Day 5: Vision Casting—Creating a Whole Picture for the Whole You

African American girl with braids and smiling looking daringly at the camera with quote.

As we wrap up this week of growth, insight, and intentionality, let’s bring everything together with a powerful concept: vision casting. The last few days weren’t just individual exercises—they were pieces of a larger puzzle. Together, these insights build a clear picture of who you are, what drives you, and where you want to go.

Here’s the truth: you are a beautiful tapestry of these discoveries. You are exactly who your Creator designed you to be, and The God Most High doesn’t make mistakes. AND you get to be an active participant in who you are still becoming.  By understanding your triggers, habits, patterns, and goals, you’ve created a foundation for meaningful and lasting change.

Now, it’s time to look ahead—to dream, define, and envision the life you want to live.

Vision Casting: A Journey, Not a Destination

It’s impossible and, in my opinion, quite irresponsible to think you should be able to create the vision for your entire year in a few short hours. Don’t sell yourself short. Give yourself time to sit with ‘who am I and who am I becoming.’ Allow vision to come to you, don’t try to force it. And give yourself permission to allow it to change over time. The only thing that is permanent are the things that already happened. Everything else, you still get a say in. Don’t take that lightly.

Take a moment to let that sink in. Vision casting isn’t about rushing to check a box. It’s about creating space to reflect, dream, and refine.

How to Start Vision Casting

      1.   Reflect on Your Week:

Look back at the questions and exercises from the past four days. What have you learned about your triggers, habits, patterns, and goals? Write these down as a starting point. Go back and review, no one’s timing you here.

      2.   Ask Big Questions:

Use the Identity Mission Statement Template to guide your reflection. Ask yourself:

        •  Who am I?

        •  Who am I becoming?

        •  What life do I want to create?

        •  What characteristics do I want to embody, even if I’m still growing into them?

You can download your free copy of my template here. Remember, this process is yours. There’s no right or wrong way to do it.

      3.   Create Your Vision:

        •  Vision Board (Paper): Grab a stack of magazines, scissors, glue, and a poster board. Cut out images, quotes, and words that resonate with your goals and dreams. Arrange them into a collage that reflects your vision for the year.

        •  Digital Vision Board: Use platforms like Canva, Pinterest, or your phone’s notes app to create a digital version. Search for images and phrases online that align with your vision and organize them into a beautiful, shareable design.

Example: If your goal is to prioritize health, include images of nutritious meals, active lifestyles, and affirmations like “I am strong and consistent.”

      4.   Anchor It in Your Identity:

Tie your vision to your identity mission statement. Instead of just visualizing what you want to do, think about who you want to become. For example:

        •  Goal: Lose 10 pounds.

        •  Mission Statement (for this goal): “I am someone who values my health, nourishes my body, and stays consistent in my care for myself.”

This ties the ‘why’ in, which is what will keep you showing up long after the motivation has died down and the excuses have risen up.

Handling Setbacks While Building New Patterns (a review)

Vision casting is inspiring, but let’s acknowledge reality: setbacks will happen. Why? Because your brain craves the comfort of old patterns, even dysfunctional ones. We’ve talked about this already, but it’s definitely worth revisiting until it really sinks in.

Here’s how to push through:

      1.   Stay Grounded in Your Vision: Keep your vision board or mission statement visible. It’s your reminder of what you’re working toward and why.

      2.   Acknowledge the Discomfort: Building new patterns feels hard because it’s unfamiliar. That’s normal. Lean into the discomfort instead of avoiding it—it’s where growth happens.

      3.   Reset Quickly: If you slip into old habits, don’t dwell on the mistake. Use it as feedback, reassess your triggers, and course-correct.

      4.   Celebrate Small Wins: Each time you make a choice that aligns with your vision, celebrate it. Small wins create momentum.

Forecasting the Future

Using the strategies we’ve discussed this week, what could your life look like in the next 90 days? Six months? A year? Your vision isn’t set in stone—it’s a dynamic guide that evolves as you grow.

By reflecting on your insights, creating SMART goals, and staying anchored in your vision, you’ll begin to see transformation—not just in what you do, but in who you are becoming.

Therapist’s Take

Vision casting is about more than setting goals. It’s about connecting the dots between who you are now, who you’re becoming, and the life you want to create. By weaving together your identity, values, and dreams, you’re crafting a roadmap that’s uniquely yours.

This isn’t a one-and-done exercise. Revisit your vision regularly. Adjust it as needed. And most importantly, hold space for yourself to grow into it.

Stay Tuned

I’ll give you a few days to really allow what we’ve learned this week about ourself to sink in. Take the weekend and catch up on any of the days that you haven’t gotten to give the attention that YOU deserve.

In the next blog, we’ll focus on how to actually write a personal identity statement using the Identity Mission Statement Template—a powerful way to anchor your vision and goals for the year. You’ll learn how to articulate who you are and who you’re becoming in a way that inspires action and clarity.

Let’s keep building the whole you—one intentional step at a time.

See you next week.

Day 4: From Patterns to Progress—Turning Self-Awareness into SMART Goals

We’ve talked about the stages of change, self-awareness, and understanding your triggers, habits, and patterns. Now it’s time to bring it all together and turn those insights into realistic SMART goals that stick.

Change isn’t about flipping a switch—it’s about recognizing the patterns that hold you back, using what you’ve learned about yourself, and building new, sustainable ones. So, let’s dig into how we can take all this knowledge and use it to make this year not just different, but better.

Why Patterns Rule Us

Here’s a secret about your brain: it loves patterns. Whether they’re functional or dysfunctional, patterns provide a sense of comfort and familiarity. That’s why falling back into old habits often feels easier—even when you know they don’t serve you.

But here’s the good news: while your brain defaults to old patterns, it’s also capable of creating new ones through a process called neuroplasticity. Translation? You can rewire your brain to favor productive, healthy habits—but it takes intention, effort, and repetition.

Turning Self-Awareness into SMART Goals (a brief recap)

The information you’ve gathered about your triggers, habits, and patterns gives you a roadmap. Now, let’s use it to create some SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, Time-bound), you should remember this from Monday’s blog!

      1.   Specific:

Use your self-awareness to zero in on what you actually want to achieve. Be precise.

Example: Instead of saying, “I want to work out more,” say, “I will work out for 30 minutes three times a week.”

      2.   Measurable:

Measure your progress to stay motivated. Use tools like journals, apps, or the Self-Assessment Guide to track growth.

Example: Instead of “I’ll eat healthier,” set a measurable goal: “I will include vegetables in two meals a day.”

      3.   Attainable:

Be realistic. Base your goals on your current capacity and resources, not on an idealized version of yourself.

Example: If your mornings are chaotic, don’t set a goal to meditate for an hour every day. Start with five minutes.

      4.   Relevant:

Your goals should align with your personal values and vision.

Example: Instead of aiming for a generic “better job,” clarify why you want that change: “I want a role that allows me to spend more time with my family.”

      5.   Time-bound:

Deadlines create accountability. Set short- and long-term timelines to keep yourself on track.

Example: “I will lose 10 pounds in three months by exercising twice a week and meal prepping on Sundays.”

Handling Setbacks: When Old Patterns Resurface

Let’s face it—change isn’t linear. There will be missteps, and that’s okay. Your brain might nudge you back toward old, familiar behaviors, but remember: a slip isn’t the same as failure.

Here’s how to handle setbacks:

      1.   Expect Them:

Anticipate that setbacks will happen, and have a plan for when they do. Use the Self-Assessment Guide to reflect on what triggered the slip and how to adjust.

      2.   Reframe Relapse:

View it as feedback, not failure. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this?”

      3.   Build New Comfort Zones:

Old patterns feel comfortable because they’re familiar. Over time, new habits will feel just as natural—but they need repetition to stick.

      4.   Forgive Yourself:

Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend. Self-criticism only reinforces negative patterns.

Celebrating Small Wins

Big goals are daunting, which is why celebrating small wins along the way is essential. Your brain thrives on positive reinforcement, so every step forward—no matter how small—deserves recognition.

Here’s how to celebrate progress:

   •       Track Your Wins: Keep a journal or use a tracker to note your achievements, no matter how minor they seem.

   •       Reward Yourself: Treat yourself to something meaningful—like a coffee date, a new book, or an hour of guilt-free relaxation.

   •       Share Your Success: Tell a friend or post about it. Sharing builds accountability and encourages others.

   •       Visualize Your Progress: Use the Self-Assessment Guide to forecast where you’ll be in 90 days, 6 months, or a year if you stay consistent. Seeing the potential payoff keeps you motivated.

Forecasting the Year Ahead

Imagine where you could be by this time next year if you consistently use these strategies. What could your health, relationships, career, and personal growth look like? Use the reflective exercises in the Self-Assessment Guide to envision your future and reverse-engineer the steps to get there.

Therapist’s Take

Patterns don’t change overnight, and neither do we. But the beauty of this process is that small, consistent steps lead to monumental shifts. By understanding your triggers and habits, setting realistic SMART goals, and celebrating progress, you’re creating a framework for lasting change.

The key is persistence, not perfection. Building new patterns takes time, but every day you show up for yourself, you’re reinforcing those healthier, more productive behaviors.

Stay Tuned

Tomorrow, we’ll dive into writing a personal identity statement and creating a complete vision for your year. This powerful exercise will tie everything together and help you anchor your goals in who you are and who you want to become.

Change takes time, but you’re already doing the work. Let’s keep building the same you—only better.

Day 3: The Power of Self-Awareness—Understanding Triggers, Habits, and Patterns

Picture of Lavonia Tryon Scott, an African American woman laughing in a red dress, with braids staring boldly at the camera

So, you’ve started mapping out your goals and exploring where you stand in the stages of change. Great! Now, let’s tackle a game-changer: self-awareness. Because let’s be honest—if you don’t know what’s driving your habits (or derailing them), how can you create sustainable change?

Today, we’re focusing on the foundation of meaningful resolutions: understanding your triggers, habits, and patterns. This is where the real work begins—not in trying to overhaul your life overnight, but in uncovering what makes you tick so you can make realistic, lasting changes.

Why Self-Awareness Matters

Imagine trying to fix a car without knowing what’s under the hood. That’s what making resolutions without self-awareness feels like. Understanding yourself—your triggers, habits, and thought patterns—helps you:

• Identify what’s holding you back.

• Recognize what motivates and sustains you.

• Create strategies that actually work for your unique personality and life circumstances.

Without self-awareness, you’re just shooting in the dark. With it, you’re building a roadmap that’s uniquely tailored to you.

How to Build Self-Awareness

Here are three key areas to explore:

1. Triggers:

What sets off your unproductive habits or emotional reactions? Triggers can be anything—stress, specific environments, or even certain people. Identifying them helps you plan how to respond instead of react.

Example: If scrolling on your phone derails your gym plans, identify what triggers the scrolling (boredom? anxiety?) and replace it with something productive.

2. Habits:

What are your automatic behaviors? Habits are often unconscious, but they’re powerful. The good news? Once you’re aware of them, you can start reprogramming them.

Example: If you always snack late at night, ask yourself: is it hunger, stress, or just routine? Awareness lets you address the why behind the habit.

3. Patterns:

What cycles do you keep repeating? These could be behavioral, emotional, or relational patterns that keep you stuck. Recognizing them is the first step to breaking them.

Example: Do you always abandon your goals after a small setback? Understanding this pattern allows you to build strategies to bounce back.

A Practical Tool: Self-Assessment Guide

To make this process easier, download the free Self-Assessment Guide HERE! This resource will help you reflect on:

• Your values and whether you’re living in alignment with them.

• Your relationships—starting with the one you have with yourself.

• Your limiting beliefs and how they’re holding you back.

• Practical ways to assess and improve your emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing.

This guide is packed with reflective exercises, like writing your own eulogy (morbid, but enlightening) or evaluating where you are in key areas of your life. It’s not about judgment—it’s about creating a clear baseline for where you are and where you want to go.

Therapist’s Take

Self-awareness isn’t about perfection—it’s about clarity. The more you understand your triggers, habits, and patterns, the better equipped you are to make meaningful, sustainable changes.

Here’s the kicker: self-awareness takes work. It’s not a one-time exercise but an ongoing practice. The beauty of it? Every small insight leads to big transformations. The more you know yourself, the better you can advocate for the life you want to live.

Stay Tuned

Tomorrow, we’ll dive into how to use this self-awareness to design goals that stick—including tips for managing setbacks and celebrating progress. Because resolutions aren’t just about doing more—they’re about doing what works for you.

Remember, change doesn’t happen overnight, but every small step counts. Start with self-awareness, and you’ll be well on your way to becoming the best version of same you.

Day 2: New Year, Same You – How to Create a Change Plan that actually works!

So now that we’ve established that being same you is definitely a good thing, let’s talk about what it actually takes to change. Today’s tip for setting a New Year’s goal—not a resolution—involves taking action by… taking a step back from action.

Stay with me.

Yesterday, we talked about how resolutions often fail because they’re wishes without plans. Today, we’re diving deeper into the nuts and bolts of meaningful change using a framework that actually works: The Six Stages of Change by Prochaska and DiClemente.

Why does this matter? Because understanding where you are in the change process is key to setting yourself up for success. Think of it as your personal roadmap. No more guessing or winging it—this is your strategy for moving forward.

What Are the Six Stages of Change?

1. Pre-Contemplation:

This is the “I don’t have a problem” stage. You’re blissfully unaware—or maybe willfully ignoring—the need for change. You’re probably blaming others, dodging reality, and rolling your eyes at advice.

Therapist’s insight: No one can force you to change here. The goal at this stage isn’t action; it’s awareness. Even if you are aware of the problem, in this stage you are in no state to actually do anything about it, and anything that is addressed will be meet with resistance, until you’re ready.

2. Contemplation:

This is the “Maybe I should, but also maybe not” phase. You’re ambivalent—flirting with change but not ready to commit. You might talk about wanting change but keep making excuses (sound familiar?).

Therapist’s insight: You’re inching closer. This is where reflection and gentle exploration help tip the scales in favor of action. In this stage, you might find yourself asking for more insight from friends and family about situations, and not just for an amen corner, but to actually hear a different perspective.

3. Preparation:

“Okay, I’m in. Let’s figure this out.” You’ve decided to make a change and start gathering resources and ideas. You’re admitting what’s not working, looking for help, and testing the waters.

Therapist’s insight: This is the sweet spot. You’re ready to plan! Don’t rush past this stage, like most people do. You know that every goal requires the right planning and you understand that it’s vital in success to be prepared for what comes next.

4. Action:

“Let’s do this!” You’ve moved from planning to execution. You’re actively working on your goals, implementing new habits, and—hopefully—seeing progress.

Therapist’s insight: Celebrate small wins. Motivation may waver, so consistency is key. This will take time and every step forward is a step forward. Grace for yourself and your progress is a must here.

5. Maintenance:

“I’m keeping this up.” You’ve made changes, and now it’s about sustaining them. You’re focused on building long-term habits that become part of your lifestyle.

Therapist’s insight: This is where you reinforce your success and plan for potential setbacks. The same way you plan for success, you must make a plan for the setbacks that will inevitably come when we start to change. Figure out your ‘why’ – why is this important to you NOW and hold tight to it.

6. Relapse:

“Oops, I slipped.” It happens. You fall back into old patterns. The key here isn’t avoidance; it’s learning. Relapse isn’t failure—it’s feedback.

Therapist’s insight: Our brains don’t know that a pattern is dysfunctional, it just knows that it’s familiar. We will often slip back into something we used to do, simply because it’s easier, and this is where you have to press through. With the right tools, you can bounce back stronger.

Why This Matters for Resolutions

Most people jump straight to Action on January 1st, skipping over the crucial stages of Contemplation and Preparation. It’s like trying to run a marathon without ever lacing up your sneakers or first trying out a 5K.

Understanding the stages of change helps you assess where you are right now. Maybe you’re still in Contemplation, and that’s okay. Maybe you’re ready for Action, but need a solid plan. The point is: change is a process, not a switch you flip at midnight.

How to Apply the Stages

      1.   Identify Your Stage:

Be honest with yourself. Are you just thinking about change? Gathering resources? Actively doing the work?

      2.   Match Your Actions to Your Stage:

        •  If you’re in Contemplation, journal your pros and cons about the change you want.

        •  If you’re in Preparation, map out a realistic plan (hello, SMART goals from yesterday).

        •  If you’re in Action, focus on consistency and support systems.

      3.   Prepare for Relapse:

Relapse isn’t a moral failure; it’s part of the process. Have a plan for how you’ll handle setbacks.

Therapist’s Take

Change is a messy, beautiful journey. Too often, we expect perfection, and when we stumble, we give up. But here’s the truth: every stumble is an opportunity to learn.

This framework isn’t about rushing through the stages or skipping steps—it’s about meeting yourself where you are and moving forward with grace. Give yourself permission to progress at your own pace. Change doesn’t have to be instant to be impactful.

Stay Tuned

Tomorrow, we’ll go deeper into the role of self-awareness and how understanding your triggers, habits, and patterns can transform your resolutions into sustainable change.

Reminder: Change doesn’t happen overnight, but with the right tools, it does happen.

Let’s keep building the same you—only better.

The journey has just begun.

NEW YEAR, Same You.

Why Resolutions flop & What to DO Instead

“New Year, New Me.”

We’ve all seen it, heard it, or maybe even said it ourselves. The glossy Instagram captions, the ambitious gym memberships, and the unspoken hope that this year—this exact year—will be the one where everything magically clicks.

And then comes Quitter’s Day. That’s right, the second Friday of January when enthusiasm evaporates faster than your New Year’s Eve champagne. Suddenly, every excuse in the book starts flooding in: I’m too tired. I’ll start next week. Maybe my cat needs more quality time. Sound familiar? Same.

But here’s the deal: resolutions don’t work—not because you’re incapable, lazy, or doomed to binge-watch your life away—but because the entire concept is flawed. Once you understand why they fail, you can stop feeling guilty, ditch the fairy tale, and actually make progress.

What’s a Resolution Anyway?

A resolution is just a fancy word for a decision—“a firm decision to do or not do something,” if we’re being dictionary-official. And let’s be real: some of our “firm decisions” are what landed us in situations where we’re now making resolutions to begin with.

Think of a resolution as a wish dressed in motivational glitter, but without a plan, it’s nothing more than a dream doomed to collect dust. And spoiler: no glitter bomb explodes at midnight on January 1st to transform you into a disciplined superhero. The clock may strike 12, but you’re still the same person from December 31st, complete with your quirks, habits, and “oops, I’ll do it tomorrow” tendencies.

Same You, But Smarter

Here’s the twist: that’s not bad news. In fact, it’s your superpower. Knowing yourself—what you’re good at, what trips you up, what truly motivates you—is your cheat code. Instead of trying to reinvent yourself, why not lean into what you already know?

Let’s flip the script: forget resolutions and embrace realistic, strategic goals—the kind that work even when you’re tired, unmotivated, or knee-deep in a Netflix binge.

How to Laugh in the Face of Quitter’s Day

Let’s talk SMART goals. You’ve probably heard of them before, but let me break it down in a way that actually makes sense for your

real life. SMART goals are your roadmap for turning wishful thinking into achievable results, minus the self-loathing spiral. Here’s how to make them work:

1. Specific: Keep it simple and clear. “Lose weight” is vague. “Lose 15 pounds” is specific. It’s like ordering coffee—you don’t just say “coffee”; you say, “Grande oat milk latte, extra shot, no foam.” Your goals need the same level of clarity.

2. Measurable: You need a finish line. How will you know you’ve achieved your goal? Weekly weigh-ins, progress photos, or a pair of jeans that don’t scream for mercy when you button them. Quantify it.

3. Attainable: Be honest with yourself. Do you have the time, resources, and bandwidth for this? If your plan includes running a marathon but you get winded chasing your dog around the yard, maybe start with walking 20 minutes a day.

4. Realistic/Relevant: Here’s the gut-check. Why do you really want this? Your “why” has to hit home. If your goal is to lose weight, is it because your doctor said you’re prediabetic? Because you want to chase your kids without feeling like you’re dying? Whatever it is, it has to matter to you.

5. Time-bound: Give yourself a deadline. Not “someday” or “eventually,” but an actual date. Just don’t be unrealistic (cough “15 pounds in a week” cough). Set a timeline that challenges you but doesn’t feel impossible.

An Example of a SMART Goal

Instead of “I’ll lose weight this year,” try this:

I will lose 15 pounds in the first quarter of the year (Specific) by working with a personal trainer and my friend, Maggie (Attainable). I’m doing this to get off medication and feel more confident in my body (Realistic). I’ll start January 8th and track progress weekly with weigh-ins and photos (Measurable). My goal is to achieve this by April 8th (Time-bound).

See the difference? It’s no longer a vague wish. It’s a plan.

The Therapist’s Take

Here’s the thing: change doesn’t happen overnight, and that’s okay. Resolutions fail because they’re rooted in the idea that we can magically become someone else. But real change happens when we work with who we are, not against it.

Discipline beats motivation every time. Motivation is fleeting—it’s there when the confetti’s falling but disappears when the alarm goes off at 6 a.m. Discipline, on the other hand, is what keeps you showing up even when you don’t feel like it.

This year, don’t aim to be a new you. Aim to be a consistent, strategic, disciplined version of the you that already exists. You’re not starting from scratch; you’re building on a foundation that’s already pretty awesome.

Stay Tuned

Because I’m a therapist and a life strategy counselor, I know one-size-fits-all advice doesn’t work. That’s why I’ll be sharing daily strategies to help you stick with your goals through Quitter’s Day and beyond.

Check back, try a few (or all), and let me know what works for you. Because this year, we’re not chasing perfection. We’re just taking small, steady steps toward a better, more intentional life.

Here’s to New Year, Same You… but with a plan.

‘Deck The Halls, NOT Your Relatives’ A Holiday & Family Gathering Survival Guide for Singles, Single AGAINs, and Everyone In-Between

So, you are here.
Single again, at the Holidays.
Don’t worry, I’m right here with you.
Let’s journey together.

Fireplace with white chair and blanket with book and coffee on ottoman - cozysetting

Navigating the holidays as a single person can feel like running an emotional gauntlet—awkward questions, unsolicited advice, and Aunt Jan’s oh-so-intrusive comments about your love life. Whether you’re dodging “Why are you still single?” interrogations, facing your first holiday after a breakup, divorce, or loss, or just trying to survive another family gathering without losing your cool, this guide is for you.

Deck the Halls, NOT Your Relatives isn’t your average advice book. It’s a witty, thoughtful, and faith-filled toolkit to help you thrive in singleness—not just during the holidays, but at every family gathering, wedding, and life event in between. Packed with practical tips, reflective exercises, and biblical wisdom, this book will empower you to:

  • Handle awkward questions with grace, humor, and confidence (yes, even the dreaded “Still single?”).
  • Find joy in your singleness while still holding space for hope and anticipation of what’s next.
  • Navigate the first holiday after a breakup, divorce, or loss with purpose and hope for the future.
  • Set healthy boundaries that protect your peace and strengthen your relationships.
  • Reframe singleness as a season of purpose, not just a waiting room.

Whether you’re spending the holidays solo, surrounded by family, or braving gatherings with people who test your patience, this book gives you the tools to navigate the messiness of life with humor, faith, and confidence.

This isn’t just a holiday survival guide—it’s a call to embrace the season you’re in, trust God’s timing, and rediscover the joy, strength, and purpose He’s placed in your life right now.

Perfect for single and divorced women, Deck the Halls, NOT Your Relatives will leave you feeling encouraged, equipped, and empowered to thrive—not just through the holidays, but in every season of life.

Ready to turn awkward into awesome and navigate the holidays (and beyond) with grace, confidence, and faith?

Click “Buy Now” and start your journey today!

Backside of the Blessing: part 2

Last week we left off in the awareness. I believe before any real change can happen you must first realize where you are. Not unlike a GPS signal that will calculate the time and distance between two destinations with the proper starting and ending points, our lives are the same. To get to where we want to go, we must first be willing to take an honest look at where we are. So that’s what I did. I asked God to show me – me. Not the mask that I show the public, not the extrovert that is always the life of the party – but the me that I’m not often brave enough to see.

Taking a real look at me was what changed everything. Becoming hyperaware of where I was at the beginning of 2023 gave God a clean canvas to put in His coordinates for what’s next. As my intentions for my business, finances, time and emotions were purified, God began to trust me with more. It’s amazing how that works – it seemed like the harder I worked, the further behind I got.

‘Commit your works to the Lord and your plans will be achieved.’ Proverbs 16:3

‘Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain.’ Psalm 127:1.

After self awareness, came self acknowledgement. I had to admit to where I was and how I had gotten there. Like every 3rd person in the US, I started a business during the pandemic and I believed the hype that I could get to 5 figures in 30 days, and made some pretty hefty investments in programs that promised to teach me how to do it. I had to acknowledge that while the programs and process wasn’t necessarily wrong, my motives were.

I wanted an enlarged territory so that others could see my accomplishments, because I deserved to be seen and heard – because it was ‘my time’. I thought fame and notoriety were my lot, and it was about time that the world was introduced to me. Of course when this didn’t happen in the first few months, I was so disappointed. I went from paying a virtual assistant to virtually NOT assist me with anything, to working 40 hours at my 8-5 and then another 30 at my 5-8 (or if I’m honest sometimes 5-11pm) only to not get the breakthrough that I believed I deserved.

Then I realized that what I really deserved was death, judgement and the grave. But what I was receiving was grace. And it felt oh so good.

So, I begin to check my motives. To walk worthy of the blessing that I was praying for, BEFORE I received it. To water, till, cultivate and weed the territory that God had trusted me with – sharing messages with the 4 faithful followers that I had – posting messages more focused on truth than some every changing template, leaning more into my accountability to the message He has given me than chasing the algorithm.

And I started to truly understand the meaning of Jabez’s prayer – and it became my heart’s cry.

Journey with me to discuss the meaning in the next blog, and let’s see if you have the same revelation.

Handling the Backside of the Blessing: An end of the year reflection series

I am a writer. A story teller. A masterful craftsman of the written word. It’s not what I do, it’s who I am. So why is this only the 3rd blog of 2023? Why haven’t I journeyed with you throughout in many ways – one of the best years of my life?

I think for multiple reasons, but the main one is that I’m learning to handle the backside of the blessing. I’ve heard two pastors, Dr. Dharius Daniels and Mike Todd speak about the seemingly hardships that sometimes come with answered prayers. What does this mean? Glad you asked.

Let’s journey together. Let’s talk about The Prayer of Jabez. “And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, ‘Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain.’ So God granted him what he requested.” The part that most of us zero in on is the ‘bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory.’ Oh, yeah that’s the sweet spot there. We all want more, but sometimes it doesn’t come with pure intentions, which is why we either never get it or can’t keep it once we do, but that’s a blog for another day.

I want to focus on the ‘So God granted him what he requested.’ What do you do when God says yes to your prayers? When the increase, promotions, business, financial breakthrough, restored relationship, new relationship, prodigal child returns – happens? How do you handle the backside? The backside of the blessing is often the things that we don’t really factor in when we are praying for increase. I know I didn’t really factor them in at the beginning of this year.

I remember in January praying about my current position where I was overworked and stressed, wondering if I should pause my business for a while and focus on something else because, despite all my hours and hours of efforts, it wasn’t taking off. I remember the guy that was on again, mostly off again, who was draining me emotionally, but in my mentally exhausted state was serving the purpose of me not having to be alone – and, despite making enough, never seeming to have enough. Yeah, that’s how I started 2023 – the year of me. I don’t know how many of us will be that honest, so I’ll go first. The year, started but I still felt stuck.

Somewhere in the first 45 days of the year, I sat still before God and really got serious about what I wanted to see this year – and then I did something shocking – I listened. Gasp – I know, I know, I’ll give you a second to let that digest. And did He talk. While I had requests of Him, He had a few of His own. The main one – to trust as much as I hustled. To stop praying for Him to change a situation where I refused to do my part in the change. To stop going down the wrong road and then snotting to him when I didn’t get the right response. To let go – and then walk away. To do business, work, and life differently – or, should I say, do it divinely.

So, I did it. Just like that. 🙂 Yeah, right. I wish it were that simple and I wasn’t that hardheaded, but nope. In reality, I still tried to bargain. I still wanted Him to enlarge my territory WHILE I wasn’t doing a good job with the land He had already given me. I still wanted His blessings with my conditions. And God doesn’t work that way. Jabez prayed for increase SO that he could walk in God’s favor and that he would be a blessing to others, not a source of pain. His prayer was intentional. He had a plan for the enlarged territory so God knew that He could trust him with it.

That’s when everything shifted for me. That’s when it clicked.

Come back later this week for part 2 to find out what the ‘it’ was.

Why I Stopped Running: The Pursuit of being Pursued*

I remember as a little girl growing up on a farm, we had a lot to do. Between feeding the cows, chickens, picking blueberries, and all of the other chores of living in the country, we spent a lot of time outside. I come from a family with what seems like thousands of cousins, and we loved to play outside. We would hide in the barn, go exploring in the trees, ride four-wheelers, pick pecans, climb trees and go fishing. We had so much fun outside, but one game that I remember fondly was Chase. I believe y’all city folk call it Tag. The game was rather simple, you were simply chased until you got caught. If I happened to be playing with my numerous big boy cousins, if they caught you, you better be prepared to be tickled until you couldn’t breathe — then released to be chased again. When we got wise, we invented a base, where you could go and catch your breathe, but you couldn’t stay there the whole time, you had to get back in the game. Oh, how fun this child’s game was. 

This child’s game. So, why are we still playing it as adults? (Come on, you know me – there is ALWAYS a message in it). We are still chasing ambitions, jobs, cars, houses, IPhone 75’s and everything else the world tells us that we must have…until we catch it. Then it tickles our fancy for a few moments, and we release it only to chase the next fastest thing running past us. This scenario all too well applies to relationships, which is the reason for this blog. I’ve decided to stop running and stay on base. Here’s why.

I have never been pursued. Ever.*

Even typing it right now, it stings. Stings is putting it lightly, because having the revelation was gut wrenching. I fought long and hard about posting this, but it really wasn’t my decision. For a reason far above my knowledge scale, Christ has chosen to use my life as a living testimony to Singles specifically, so there was no way that I could sit on the word that He is pushing out of me. I pray this helps you, like it is healing me. 

I have physically been asked for my hand in marriage three times, but only said “yes” once. I say physically, because my body was present, but my mind was nowhere near any of those relationships. If you have read my first book (NOT Another Singles Book, 2014 Tate Publishing), you know that I have been in a lot of relationships, but never been “me” in one. I played roles in all of them, so there was no way that the guy wouldn’t propose to me, I was his perfect mate-because I MOLDED myself into her. I wasn’t me, I was whomever he needed or wanted me to be. 

Obviously, this didn’t work. So, I decided to just be me. And transparency moment, sometimes the enemy succeeds in convincing me, this isn’t working either. He shouts, “you aren’t worth it, you will never be married, you lead Singles ministry- because you will always be Single, and the most debilitating  one: this is where you serve God’s pleasure the most, He won’t take you out of this season.” I would love to tell you past tense that I “used to listen to him”, but that wouldn’t be completely accurate. I still sometimes, let his shouts drown out God’s whispers. Which is why, despite my feelings and fears, I will stay on base. 

How does this relate to Chase? In relationships, I have been chased numerous times. Spiritually stay with me. I have had male potentials chase me, in hopes of catching me. What does being chased look like? It’s several things, but I will share a few telltale signs:

  1. It’s when he calls/text you on a weekday, in the middle of the day, not to just tell you he’s thinking of you, but because there is no commitment in that. You are both at work, so there is no expectation on your part, or pressure on his, to give you more than just a little “tickle” to keep you interested. He is unavailable on the weekends, and evenings when a date could be pursued, or even a decent conversation could be had. There usually isn’t an explanation as to why he didn’t call, when you could have actually seen each other, or if he does have the decency to give one-it’s usually useless. 
  2. It’s when he doesn’t ask for a specific date that he has planned. When he is available, with most times no consideration of your time, he texts “what you doing, beautiful? (he has no problem complimenting you, those are free to him, but sometimes everything to you) I’d love to see you tonight. Can I come by?” And what is your answer…”aww…you’re so sweet. I’m just chilling, sure.” It hurts, huh?
  3. It’s when he either doesn’t mind spending money on you, but is always busy. Or when he has plenty of time, but you seem to be cooking, instead of going out or doing anything that would require spending money, or even just an original thought.
  4. This one was probably the hardest for me to realize: it’s when you are unsure of his intentions. On Tuesday, you think he is really interested, but by Friday you are unsure if he is interested in anything other than just the chase, and he is doing just enough to keep you interested enough to keep guessing.

I remember in the game, one of my cousins would lock in on one of us girls, and chase us until we got too tired to run, and just let him catch us. The others would be chasing one of us, but if another passed close to him, he would give up pursuit of one, and go after the other-seemingly ‘easier to catch’ cousin. Relationship chases can fall into either one of these categories. He will chase you until you convince yourself that his tactics are ‘good enough’, that  he is really interested, and you give him more of your attention and time then he deserves. Or the other one, that realizes that there are others that are easier to catch, so he stops pursuit mid-stride and you are left thinking-what happened?

So what happens when he catches you? One of my cousins used to catch and sit on us so we couldn’t get away and tickle us, until we were gasping for air. He tickled the breath out of us. How many times have you felt like you were suffocating? Like you just can’t catch your breathe, there is no peace or security in it – just temporary satisfaction. The thing about a tickle is that it’s fleeting, once their hands stop moving, the sensation is gone. The same is with these empty pursuits. I was tickled until I realized that I’m no longer ticklish. These tactics no longer work. I’m not interested in losing my breath over another man, whom I don’t intend to lose my last name with. I’m no longer caught in the fancy of being chased, caught, ticked and then released. I deserve to be pursued, and I will settle for nothing else. 

Pursuit is the evidence of desire. Those things that we desire, we pursue. We don’t chase until they stop running. We regulate our breathing, tie our shoes and endure the journey of achieving the thing we wish to acquire. You, beautiful Woman of Virtue, are worth the pursuit. You are the marathon that he has been training under the Great Counselor since before the beginning of time. He is running for the only prize — you. 

We have taken off the timeline of Base. You stay on that porch, not waiting on an opening to dart back in the game, and trust me you will be tempted to do so. But stay on the porch, until a man, THE MAN, comes to claim you off it.  He won’t be winded, because he hasn’t been chasing anyone else. He only showed up because your Daddy called and told him you were ready. This is what I will pursue, and this is what I’m waiting for. The game may still look fun and exciting, but it’s no longer for me. 

*This article is a repost- but still very valid. I am now in the healthiest relationship that I’ve ever been in, pursued by a man that loves God and honors me in every way possible. Staying on base for me was worth the wait – and the pursuit. Now, I don’t worry about the fleeting fantasy of a tickle, I am satisfied with the consistent flutter of a heart well loved. More about that to come 🙂 

Why Mental Health IS the Priority for 2023: Being mentally present and available

#mentalhealthmatters has over a billion tags on TikTok and several million on Instagram, but as I search the hashtag I see a wide variety of content, much of it glossing over what mental health truly is. 

And that makes sense because there are several components of mental health and not a lot of them are fully understood. Even I, as a licensed therapist – sometimes struggle to truly define mental health. 

For 2023 my goal for this blog is to focus on a Healthy Me. Holistically healthy – not just physical health, or grooming activities that we mistakenly label as self care (which they could be, but that’s a topic that will be covered in another blog), or emotionally healthy – but literally healthy in mind, body and spirit. And my goal is to take you along with me. Are you ready?

So why is mental health FIRST, LaVonia? I’m glad you asked. 

Mental health is defined as “a state of well being in which an individual realizes her (or his) own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively, and is able to make a contribution to (her) community.” (MentalHealth.gov). Mental health encompasses your emotional, psychological and social well-being – all topics that we will go into great detail over the next several months. 

If our mental health isn’t priority, then nothing else will be permanent. If we can’t learn to take care of our cognitive (where thinking starts and actions begin), then nothing else will line up. 

As a woman thinketh so is she. Proverbs 23:7. Even if you don’t love Jesus, you can find the truth in this statement. Our thoughts drive our actions. “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can – said The Little Engine that could. That’ll preach so let’s let it. 

I want to take literary creativity and add a ‘so’ in this mantra. 

I think – SO – I can. So modifies what comes before and connects what comes after. 

I think – I have the cognitive ability and the mental capacity. My head is clear from distractions, my focus is concentrated on my purpose or task. I am walking in understanding, I am in control of the thoughts that I allow to stay and occupy my headspace and I am capable of dispelling those thoughts that aren’t welcome. I choose which thoughts I allow to drive my mental train. 

If this is true – (then) So – 

I can – I am capable. I am present. I am accountable. I can accomplish what I set my mind to do. I don’t doubt my abilities or allow insecurities or fear of failure to stop me from trying because I already have thought it through, and I see myself succeeding. 

It starts with thinking. I have to first think that I am capable, believe that I am capable (emotions which we will talk about in the next blog) and then act accordingly (alignment of thoughts, beliefs and actions.)

Over the next several weeks, we are going to dive deep. We’ll define each component of the health triangle (mental, physical and social well-being) and then we will dive into how to heal each one of these areas to become holistically healthy. I’ma be honest and let you know that the physical component will be approached from a therapeutic mentality too, so be mindful (see what I did there J) of that. There are so many programs and information about dieting, exercise and nutrition that I won’t even attempt to go down that road, but I will talk to you about how your mental health may be hindering or helping your physical health.

 I’m going to give you some clinical terminology, but also practical implications. We are going to spend the first few months of 2023 clearing our thinking, re-establishing our beliefs and aligning our actions. And then we are going to watch the latter of 2023 be the healthiest version of ourselves – beyond what we could even imagine. 

You ready to get started?