Who Are You, Really?


Really, like who are you?

Many of us have gotten this question over the year, we’ve even asked ourselves this same question, but we typically stop short of actually answering the question – instead we describe what we’ve done, what we have, what we are currently doing, but that’s not who you are. Not really.

If you play football – that’s what you do – but who are you if you get injured?

If you are a crypto investor – that’s your career – but who are you when/if it crashes?

If you are a mother – that’s one of your roles – but did you not exist until you had children?

If you are an influencer – that’s your impact – but what if you have a post that flops?

I could go on and on but I think you get the point – if we define ourselves by what we do or what we have, then our identity is constantly up for grabs – to the next trend, fad or at the mercies of the things that influence us.

But what if we were able to clearly define who we are – not based on what we do or have, but based on the true essence of ourselves? That’s the game changer because no matter what the circumstances, my identity is secure.

This weekend I attended Author Advantage Live 2022 with Self Publishing School and I was inspired to write my own Identity Mission Statement by Pedro, one of the speakers and coaches of the program.

I’ll be sharing the link to mine below – but first I want to encourage you to write your own.

Before you get started, here are a few things to remember:

  • There is NO wrong way to do this. It’s yours, take ownership.
  • Get away from what you do or have done and talk about who you are and who you want to become.
  • It’s ok (actually favorable) if you feel you still need to grow into some of the characteristics that you place in your mission statement
  • Focus on characteristics, not just roles. If you include a role – clearly define what that role means to you, not a universal definition.
  • Hold space for yourself. This isn’t a one and done process and definitely can evolve as you become more yourself.

So let’s get started! Ready to write your Identity Mission Statement? Check out my post on Instagram as well, for more direction…

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of my divorce. And I’m GRATEFUL.

Sounds crazy, right? Why would someone willfully and giddily celebrate being divorce? When your marriage was hell and you begged for the last 2 years of it for God to change something – to the point that you were in so much emotional pain that you didn’t even care what the result was as long as it was different from what you were currently experiencing – then you would understand why today is a day to celebrate.

Divorce is a separation of a soul tie that was meant to last forever. And it hurts. I have commented before that divorce in some ways is harder than the death of a spouse. Why? How?

Because in death, the person isn’t choosing to be apart – but in divorce, it’s a conscious decision to still be on this earth and make a choice that is different from the one that you made on the altar. It’s a choice that one day I said ‘let no man put asunder’ and now it’s today when I realize that I was that man or woman.

I don’t believe that I serve a God that caused the pain of my divorce – I believe that choices made and a life that was unyielded to the Holy Spirit was the culprit – but I truly believe that God employed it. God put my pain on his payroll and said, ‘Watch what beauty I can make out of these ashes’… and what a beautiful masterpiece He has created.

Out of my pain, out of my heartache, out of my ashes – God birthed a ministry that has changed and encouraged hundreds of women and I know that He is preparing the harvest for thousands more. Through my obedience of growing from the pain, of harnessing it and allowing it to be molded into a fire deep in my belly – God has given me a desire and wisdom to reach those women that feel like they’ve been forgotten by God, failed by God, faithful only to be disappointed by God and now are fearful of ‘what’s next’.

I am their ambassador. I am a light pointing to The Light.

I am a beacon of hope crying out: You are not alone. This will not be the end of your love story.

God has confirmed in life-changing ways my purpose and ministry. God has sent women to be encouraged, inspired, empowered to take their power back.

Recently, God used a DM to show me how far He’s brought me. I was contacted by a woman that inquired for advice on a very personal level – and my first response was not out of bitterness or anger – but compassion. It’s never about the man – it’s always about the woman that I can save from the same heartache that I had to heal. God gave me wisdom and I give Him glory. She’s walking free and my fire is reignited and purpose is even more secure.

As I remarked on my 1 year divorce anniversary – I pray for the man that I married and I pray for the man that I divorced. I pray that God will reconcile the two in Him and I pray that he allows God to heal the places that are bleeding on others. Hurt people hurt people – and he’s hurting. Healing is available, even if he never asks. But I pray that he does. I have no hell to send my ex to or heaven to give him – but I know I serve a Gracious and Just God and I’d much rather he receives the former than the latter.

The pain that I experienced at my ex-husband’s hands is FAR OUTWEIGHED by the glory that God is getting out of my open ones. I’m free, I’m healed, I’m healthy, I’m whole.

And I am grateful.

You are (STILL) Worthy

Have you ever thought – I’ve gone too far? I’ve done too much? I’ve done too little? I don’t even know HOW to find my way out of this? Well, you aren’t alone.
What happens when we’ve gone through so much or brought so much upon ourselves that seemingly our value is diminished?

Can this even happen?

The Answer: No. Periodt.

A while back when I led the Singles ministry at my previous church home in Houston, Texas we hosted a Singles Brunch. As one of the icebreakers, we played the “Penny Game.” Everyone was given a penny and instructed to recant something interesting that happened to them in the
year on the penny. As I was passing out the pennies, someone made a comment that their penny was rusty, and they asked to trade it for a new, shiny one. At that moment God dropped into my spirit, “Just because it’s rusty doesn’t make it any less valuable. It just needs to be cleaned up.” That’ll preach – so let’s let it.

You may be this penny. You may have to work a little bit harder or dig a bit deeper to uncover the value, but it’s still there waiting to be rediscovered. Just like this young lady who forgot the value of her penny because of the rust, many people can’t see your value because you are covered in “gunk”. Some of it derives from self-inflicted pain because of relationships, disobedience, and sin. Others may have imposed some of it on you through abuse, neglect, or molestation. Whatever the source, it causes people to miss your true value because they can’t see the clean copy.

Thanks be to God, that He doesn’t see the gunk but recognizes our true value; He sees the Blood of Jesus. All we need to do is be soaked in the alcohol of the Word (Ephesians 5:6).

Although your value was always there, after a bit of heart surgery – man let’s keep it all the way real – some of us just need to repeat after David and say ‘create in me a new heart’, because this one been out of order. Now it can now be seen by the naked eye. Remember your value can never be diminished because God states your worth trading His Son’s life for yours, and no amount of gunk can cover that up.

I am reminded of the story of the adulterous wife in Hosea. God continued to tell Hosea to go back to get his wife. As many times as she left him, he was instructed to go back and retrieve her Hosea 3:1-3. This book shows a direct relationship with God and His chosen people, showing us
that as long as we return to Him, He will always return to us, and He is able to restore all of the shine that has always been ours.

The Prodigal Son is another story about perceived tarnished value. The son was at the end of his rope and planned to go back to offer himself as a servant to his father, because he believed that his value as a son had been diminished. But what happened? While he was still a far way off, his father ran to him, kissed him and clothed him back into his birthright. This is an amazing story of redemption. It illustrates that in God’s eyes, we are seen the way He created us and not by the things of the world we have allowed to define or defile us. Because He has sealed us with His Spirit and we are now in covenant with Him (Ephesians 1:11-14), He is not swayed by how “dirty” we have become in the world. He is waiting to make our scarlet sins white as snow (Isaiah 1:18( . Our Father’s love is truly amazing. But the struggle we often face is coming back to our right mind like the Prodigal Son and asking our Father to take us back. But I assure you, just as his father welcomed him before he could say a word, your heavenly Father stands at the door and knocks waiting to wash you in His Word.

Will you answer? Speak over yourself what your Father spoke in the beginning. Habakkuk 3:17 states He will rejoice over you with singing. You don’t need a new penny. You just need your shine restored.

*Adapted from NOT Another Singles Book copyright 2020* Purchase your copy here!

Scripture References:

24 Jeremiah 31:3
25 Romans 12:1

26 Psalm 51:2,7
27 Hosea 3:1
28 Hosea 12:6

Trauma Bonds – when I love the things & people that don’t love me…

Trauma Bonding in 3 minutes…

Whew Trauma Bonds… this is such a vicious cycle that many people like to throw the term around without truly understanding it.

The thing about a trauma bond is that recognizing it so hard once you’re in it. To be love bombed is literally intoxicating, so much so that you will accept 2 months of amazing behavior and then stick around for another 2 years of awful behavior trying to get that loving feeling back.

Your dopamine levels are overloaded and you become addicted. So you will stay through lies, dependency, criticism, manipulation and gaslighting to try to get that ‘first high’ feeling again.

I’m not gonna give you butterflies with this one: if you are in a trauma bond it is HELL to break it, but it’s also HELL to stay in it too. But you CAN get out – I did! And I want you to know and believe without a shadow of a doubt that freedom is available to you as well.

Until you know you need help, you won’t ask for it. And until the idea of a better future shakes you from the reality that you have been settling for in your present time – you will stay stagnant and stuck in your norm – even if it’s dysfunctional.

But there’s hope. Today is the day that you start to take a step towards the new you. The healed, healthy, WHOLE you. This is the first step.

If while reading this, you saw your current state in this cycle – let today be the day that changed it all. Book a free discovery call with me and let’s journey together.


Let’s try this one again! So, full transparency moment: I struggle with consistency…

Hey Boothangs! Last year, I started a series of emails that I didn’t finish after getting COVID, then using that as an excuse to not press in and through even after I healed completely. So, this is where I am. And this is what I need from you. If you’re willing, keep reading.

Let’s try this one again! So, full transparency moment: I struggle with consistency. As much as I want to put an ‘ED’ on the struggle, that just wouldn’t be where I am honestly. It’s where I want to be, where I will be, where I visualize and WILL be in the near future, but it’s just not where I am right now. I truly believe in working as if you are already in the season that you are praying for while still being open and transparent about where you currently are.

Here I am – naked (vulnerable, open, honest, baring it all) and willing to let go of the shame that the enemy would want me to hide in. I don’t have it all together, and while I know that most people would say at the end of this sentence that ‘none of us do’, that’s not what I’m doing here. I’m not deflecting it, normalizing it, or looking at other’s shortcomings to make myself feel better in this moment.

This isn’t about you. It’s about me.
This is where I am, and I want it to be clear that this is not where I plan to stay. I realized at the beginning of this year that I wasn’t afraid of failing – I was afraid of succeeding. My prayers weren’t ‘God what if this doesn’t work’, my whispers were, ‘God what happens when it does?’.
I’ve always known I was called, I’ve always known that God would turn every heartache, pain and trauma into a platform of His glory, restoration, redemption and triumph for THE ENTIRE WORLD to see – and that scared the obedience out of me…(you’ll get that on the way home).
So here’s where I need your help. I’m done playing small, I’m done walking in partial victory and partial power because the weight of my calling scares even me. So I’m working, I’m looking at my inconsistencies and insecurities full frontal and saying, ‘Not today, not tomorrow, not EVER again. ‘
No more excuses, no more reasons to not give it my all. So I want you, yes you reading this to be my accountability partner. The more people, the more power. John Maxwell and Napoleon Hill state that the best way to ensure you accomplish a goal is to announce it to the world, then allow them to hold you accountable to getting it accomplished. If you don’t announce it, it’s easy to pretend that wasn’t the goal or make excuses for not showing up and playing full out.

So here it is: over the next few weeks, I am going to share with you my vision and goals for 2022, halfway through the year – and I want you to hold me accountable to seeing them all come to fruition by the time the ball drops. And here’s the thing – if I don’t accomplish something, it won’t be from inconsistency or insecurity – it will be because I’ve allowed God room to have His ways in my plans. But as far as it is up to me…

I’m ready Lord, send me.

Can I count on your support? Your accountability? Your cheerleading? Your tough love when I need it? Let me know, Friend.

12 Days of Singlemas

On the first day of Singlemas, my Boothang gave to me…

For the next 12 days I’ll be sharing tips, strategies and topics that are relevant to all Singles, no matter where you fall on the spectrum of boo-dom.

Journey with me!

On the 1st day of Singlemas, my Boothang gave to me – a Table for 1 😉

Tips on eating out Alone.

Would love to hear your feedback and want to challenge you to take yourself out this holiday season and share your experience…

Have you taken yourself  on a date recently?

watch full Vlog on YouTube channel here

I lost everything… too

Continuing with Job’s wife’s story (if you missed blog 1 in the series, please read below to catch up before reading this one for context), this part 2 is intimate. And I’m sure many can relate.

So we’re back. In the first blog, we acknowledged that Job’s wife (and why doesn’t she have a name?) was under the covenant of Job so her life was spared as a result of her connection.

As I was re-reading Job 1-2 a few things stuck out to me that I want to highlight to you. In chapter 1, Job consistently covered and prayed for his family. He prayed for his sons and daughters that if they had sinned, they would be covered. I find it interesting that Job’s wife is not mentioned in the prayers. We would assume that she was included, but she isn’t mentioned.

In chapter 1 verses 13-19, havoc strikes. Satan is given permission to touch everything but Job himself and that joker gets to work. One right after the other, a servant escapes disaster and comes to share that all the oxen, sheep, camels were gone. Destroyed and all the servants killed with them. Then comes the biggest blow – his children, the very ones that Job was praying and covering daily. They were another casualty in satan’s test. Wow. It stings to word it like that, right. That death can hit so close to home, and it’s meant to test our relationship and devotion to God. While I don’t think that we serve a God that is casual with our lives, I am certain that many situations that we face give us the opportunity to prove where our trust lies, in people – things or in God and His sovereignty.

Where was Job’s wife during this time? Read verses 13-19 again, but instead of the servant telling Job that everything he had worked for, covered and prayed over, that he cherished was gone – imagine that the servant is speaking to Job AND HIS WIFE. It’s unlikely that she wasn’t in the presence of her husband when the bad reports were coming in.

Job’s wife lost her cattle, oxen, camel, sheep, livelihood.


Every blow that Job was dealt, she was holding the same hand. Imagine for a second being met with disaster after disaster, and then to get the news that all of your children have been killed and only a servant was spared just to share the bad news.

I want us to take a moment to reflect here, cause in the next blog we will dig into some of what she must have been feeling. But, I want you to take a moment and just reflect.

Have you ever been in this situation? Have you lost something or someone important in your life, but your pain is overlooked? Have you had a dream or prayer completely upended and never got the opportunity to mourn its death?

Job’s wife lost everything along with Job, yet her pain and sorrow doesn’t get to take up space, because she is still expected to carry on, she still has duties, she still has to hold it together.

So many of us, especially during this time of year, feel this. And we feel this hard. The Holidays are hard for so many people yet, it’s a time of celebration and light and love and gifts and sparkles, and sometimes it feels like our pain doesn’t get to take up space. We are expected to enjoy cocoa and matching pajamas and Hallmark movies, but when do we get to acknowledge that we thought this holiday would be different? That we thought this would be the year that we were introducing our fiancé to the family? Or this Christmas our marriage would be restored, yet you just signed the divorce papers? Insert your ‘I thought this year’ story here… you get to take up space here. You get to mourn here. You get to not hold it together here. You get to take your mask off here. And be seen.

If this is you, I want to encourage you today. It’s ok not to be ok. It’s ok to mourn, and it’s ok if you don’t do it ‘well’, or in such a manner that others consider to be acceptable, especially others that didn’t face the loss that you did.

Her pain was real. Her pain was unimaginable. Yet her pain was unmentioned.

Keep journeying, next blog – let’s evaluate the way her mourning surfaces and what we can learn from it.

I’m hurting, too… Job’s Wife’s Untold Truth

Suffering In Silence – New Blog Series – Blog 1 of 5

During this holiday season, I want to share a short mini blog-series about suffering in seeming silence, and what it looks like to suffer alone with no one noticing. This topic is relevant to Singles and especially during the holiday season, but I believe that many others will find yourself relating to the content that follows.

Let’s journey together…

In the book of Job, the scene opens up with the highlights of his accomplishments and character. Job was a wonder and he consistently gave all glory to God for his blessings. Job’s IG highlight reel actually matched his real lift, which we all know to be a rare occasion. Job had faith, family and favor.

Then ‘it’ happened. Tragedy. Not because of his actions, but seemingly because of his faithfulness. Because of his hope in God, Job was tested by the enemy to really see if the life he was living of devotion was simply due to all his ‘stuff’ or if it was rooted in his Savior. If you’re unfamiliar with the story – satan asked God (and was given permission) to test Job by wreaking havoc and heartache in every area of his life, short of taking his and his wife’s life (Job 1-2). But stop there… that’s where we want to hang this series – on his wife. In Job 1:12 & 2:6, God gives satan the boundary of sparing only Job’s life, not his wife. So why wasn’t she included in the suffering? Why was her life spared?

The Bible doesn’t say, but I believe it’s because God had a boundary of protection around her due to her covenant with Job. Remember, our enemy knows The Word probably better than many of us (ouch), and he actually has experienced it first hand. So he remembers that in the garden when God joined Adam and Eve, He proclaimed it an unbreakable covenant, the two should become one. So, I’d wager to believe that when God said ‘but spare Job’s life’, his wife was included in that directive. This is another powerful incentive to take marriage mindedness as a serious commitment, and not just something of convenience that we can get out of, if it doesn’t work out.

I needed to take this moment to set the stage for the rest of this series, because this is where we will focus the next 4 blogs…on Job’s wife.

I recently heard a pastor state – ‘aren’t you glad that your worst mistakes aren’t broadcast for the entire world to judge and use as examples?’ That hit home.

Remember, we are reading the Bible, but they were ‘living the Bible’. Completely different experience, right? Think about those uncertain times in your life, those long nights, those lonely days, those crying until nothing else is coming out weeks, those ‘I’ll just figure it out on my own’ attempts, those months of heartache, those times when you were too afraid to pray because you didn’t even know WHAT to pray…those times when the outcome was so uncertain, the times when your faith did fail. Remember those?

Maybe you don’t have to think so far back. Maybe you are in one of those times now…well, there’s hope. Let’s journey together through Job’s wife’s story and find encouragement in an unlikely place.

Reflective Questions:

Have you ever thought about the wife? What was your initial judgement (if you don’t like this word, let’s use analysis 😉) of her throughout the scripture?

The Courtship Application – Would you date YOU?

In today’s dating environment, us Singles can fall into the trap of thinking and believing that there are no good men/women left. If you would take the time to think about it, that thought process doesn’t even make sense. No one goes looking for a treasure that they don’t believe exists. In the same way, if you truly believed there weren’t any ‘good’ or ‘suitable’ mates available, then you would hang up your Red Bottoms and/or Tims and check yourself out of the game. But nope, none of us are doing that. We are still putting ourselves out there – hoping, praying, wishing to find the elusive one.

What if I told you that there was a better way? What if it was as easy (easy as in the only person you have to worry about is yourself) becoming the right person instead of looking for the right one?

What you talkin’ bout, Willis?

I know but hear me out. We all have a list, right? Whether it’s written in our journal, saved on our hard drive, or etched in our brains, we have a list of preferences and standards that we desire in our future mates. Some of the things on there are valid – God-fearing, respectful, trustworthy – and some of them are a bit more preferential and surface – over 6ft, cute in the face & thick in the waist 😉, but it’s our list and I’m not here to tell you to get rid of it.

Yep you heard right, you can keep your list. I know this is different, because I’ve been told in the past that my list of hardfast preferences could be causing me to miss out on some good potentials. Now that will be a separate blog, but for now, let’s hold on to the list as a point of reference. I want you to take out your current list of preferences, standards, non-negotiables and give it a good look. Is everything on there still valid? Do you need to update it? If so, take a moment and do so.

You back? Good.

Now, I want you to take your list and evaluate YOURSELF by that list. Gasp! *Jump back in shock for good measure*. Me? Yep, you. If someone of the potential persuasion approached you with your exact same list, would you make the cut? Hmmm…food for thought, right?

Sometimes we are looking for someone that isn’t looking for us. Amen and ouch. Are you the person that the person you are looking for, is looking for? Read that again and let it sink in.

Don’t worry, I wouldn’t cut you open without doing a bit of surgery and stitching you back up to heal. Let me help. I’ve developed The Single NOT Alone Courtship Application© and want to share it with you for FREE! Consider it a birthday gift from me to you…

Here’s an alternative to your list. Download The Single NOT Alone Courtship Application© and use it to dive a bit deeper by becoming your perfect person…before you met your complement…

*Disclaimer – this is not an interview nor should these questions be asked on a first date or with someone that you aren’t seriously committed to or considering a long-term relationship. All questions are not applicable to all situations*

With this ring… I thee Justify.

rugged-wood-cross-with-thorn-crown – Walnut Hill Church of Christ

2020-2021 has been a time when it’s been difficult to connect with friends and family. So, when we happen to run into someone that we haven’t seen in a long time, we often start with the same three questions, or some variations:

  1. How have you been? What have you been up to?
  2. Where do you work? What do you do?
  3. Are you married/dating/seeing anyone?

It never fails. These are the common “catching up” questions, and once answered, we feel like we have re-established a relationship, or at the very least, satisfied the courtesy quota so that we can walk away with a “ok, yes, we will meet up soon. Call/text/DM me,” even if we both know that we won’t. All of these questions aren’t weighed equally. That 3rd question, at least for me -held a very different value – let me tell you why.

As a Single (again), this question is asked more than I want to answer. Even if it’s not asked, I always feel the subtle glance at my bare haunting left ring finger, and then the look in their eyes. Ok, maybe the look is perceived, but the judgement is more times than not, real. (if that word offends you – please follow me to Webster). Judgement is defined as the act or process of forming an opinion or making a decision after careful thought or consideration. This sometimes split-second judgement is the same one that many of us bestow on ourselves: ‘Why am I still Single?’. This doesn’t have to be a negative judgement, but it is a judgement that we make nevertheless.

As I write this, I am sitting at Starbucks, and I find myself glancing at the left hands of those people sitting around me. Unbeknownst to them, I’ve made a rash judgement on their lives, character and/or personality based on whether someone else wants, or at the least wanted them enough to marry them. While validating them, I subconsciously devalued myself.

As Singles, we think a ring will justify, validate us in some way. For those of us that have gone through divorce, the lack of a ring can cause an even greater identity crisis – it almost feels like they can smell the ‘divorced’ on us, that our happily ever after was a lot shorter than we imagined.

Some of us might not be healed enough to admit, so I’ll take one for the team. When we meet someone new, we will look at the ring finger, and don’t even realize that we have done it. I do believe that there is justification in the ring. There is a certain comfort and validation in knowing that you don’t have to face this world alone, that there is someone with whom you get the opportunity to do life with. In this case, the ring does justify that someone, somewhere in the world has made a public declaration that you belong to them. And we as Singles, sometimes automatically disqualify ourselves because we have yet to find that justification.

I’ve been sent to challenge that view.

A while back, Christ offered us all a ring. It wasn’t 3 carats, princess cut, high clarity, rose gold with a crown of baguettes surrounding it. It was brown, bloody, mangled and resting on the head of a Sinless Man crucified on a hill called Golgotha. It was a ring of thorns to symbolize that the King of Kings would not offer us things on this earth that can tatter and rust, but treasures laid up in heaven where neither moth nor vermin can touch. This justification is available to all, Jew and Gentile, Married, Divorced and Single.

You are justified in Christ. You were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of God. Because God chose you and continues to choose you daily, you now choose yourself daily. You do belong to someone, to The Someone. And from a place of healing and wholeness, you belong to yourself.

So I want to challenge the view that a ring will justify you to man. You have been made just in Him, everything else is just the icing on the wedding cake… 🙂

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