The Courtship Application – Would you date YOU?

In today’s dating environment, us Singles can fall into the trap of thinking and believing that there are no good men/women left. If you would take the time to think about it, that thought process doesn’t even make sense. No one goes looking for a treasure that they don’t believe exists. In the same way, if you truly believed there weren’t any ‘good’ or ‘suitable’ mates available, then you would hang up your Red Bottoms and/or Tims and check yourself out of the game. But nope, none of us are doing that. We are still putting ourselves out there – hoping, praying, wishing to find the elusive one.

What if I told you that there was a better way? What if it was as easy (easy as in the only person you have to worry about is yourself) becoming the right person instead of looking for the right one?

What you talkin’ bout, Willis?

I know but hear me out. We all have a list, right? Whether it’s written in our journal, saved on our hard drive, or etched in our brains, we have a list of preferences and standards that we desire in our future mates. Some of the things on there are valid – God-fearing, respectful, trustworthy – and some of them are a bit more preferential and surface – over 6ft, cute in the face & thick in the waist 😉, but it’s our list and I’m not here to tell you to get rid of it.

Yep you heard right, you can keep your list. I know this is different, because I’ve been told in the past that my list of hardfast preferences could be causing me to miss out on some good potentials. Now that will be a separate blog, but for now, let’s hold on to the list as a point of reference. I want you to take out your current list of preferences, standards, non-negotiables and give it a good look. Is everything on there still valid? Do you need to update it? If so, take a moment and do so.

You back? Good.

Now, I want you to take your list and evaluate YOURSELF by that list. Gasp! *Jump back in shock for good measure*. Me? Yep, you. If someone of the potential persuasion approached you with your exact same list, would you make the cut? Hmmm…food for thought, right?

Sometimes we are looking for someone that isn’t looking for us. Amen and ouch. Are you the person that the person you are looking for, is looking for? Read that again and let it sink in.

Don’t worry, I wouldn’t cut you open without doing a bit of surgery and stitching you back up to heal. Let me help. I’ve developed The Single NOT Alone Courtship Application© and want to share it with you for FREE! Consider it a birthday gift from me to you…

Here’s an alternative to your list. Download The Single NOT Alone Courtship Application© and use it to dive a bit deeper by becoming your perfect person…before you met your complement…

*Disclaimer – this is not an interview nor should these questions be asked on a first date or with someone that you aren’t seriously committed to or considering a long-term relationship. All questions are not applicable to all situations*

The_Courtship_Application_Jan_2021docxDownload

With this ring… I thee Justify.

rugged-wood-cross-with-thorn-crown – Walnut Hill Church of Christ

2020-2021 has been a time when it’s been difficult to connect with friends and family. So, when we happen to run into someone that we haven’t seen in a long time, we often start with the same three questions, or some variations:

  1. How have you been? What have you been up to?
  2. Where do you work? What do you do?
  3. Are you married/dating/seeing anyone?

It never fails. These are the common “catching up” questions, and once answered, we feel like we have re-established a relationship, or at the very least, satisfied the courtesy quota so that we can walk away with a “ok, yes, we will meet up soon. Call/text/DM me,” even if we both know that we won’t. All of these questions aren’t weighed equally. That 3rd question, at least for me -held a very different value – let me tell you why.

As a Single (again), this question is asked more than I want to answer. Even if it’s not asked, I always feel the subtle glance at my bare haunting left ring finger, and then the look in their eyes. Ok, maybe the look is perceived, but the judgement is more times than not, real. (if that word offends you – please follow me to Webster). Judgement is defined as the act or process of forming an opinion or making a decision after careful thought or consideration. This sometimes split-second judgement is the same one that many of us bestow on ourselves: ‘Why am I still Single?’. This doesn’t have to be a negative judgement, but it is a judgement that we make nevertheless.

As I write this, I am sitting at Starbucks, and I find myself glancing at the left hands of those people sitting around me. Unbeknownst to them, I’ve made a rash judgement on their lives, character and/or personality based on whether someone else wants, or at the least wanted them enough to marry them. While validating them, I subconsciously devalued myself.

As Singles, we think a ring will justify, validate us in some way. For those of us that have gone through divorce, the lack of a ring can cause an even greater identity crisis – it almost feels like they can smell the ‘divorced’ on us, that our happily ever after was a lot shorter than we imagined.

Some of us might not be healed enough to admit, so I’ll take one for the team. When we meet someone new, we will look at the ring finger, and don’t even realize that we have done it. I do believe that there is justification in the ring. There is a certain comfort and validation in knowing that you don’t have to face this world alone, that there is someone with whom you get the opportunity to do life with. In this case, the ring does justify that someone, somewhere in the world has made a public declaration that you belong to them. And we as Singles, sometimes automatically disqualify ourselves because we have yet to find that justification.

I’ve been sent to challenge that view.

A while back, Christ offered us all a ring. It wasn’t 3 carats, princess cut, high clarity, rose gold with a crown of baguettes surrounding it. It was brown, bloody, mangled and resting on the head of a Sinless Man crucified on a hill called Golgotha. It was a ring of thorns to symbolize that the King of Kings would not offer us things on this earth that can tatter and rust, but treasures laid up in heaven where neither moth nor vermin can touch. This justification is available to all, Jew and Gentile, Married, Divorced and Single.

You are justified in Christ. You were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of God. Because God chose you and continues to choose you daily, you now choose yourself daily. You do belong to someone, to The Someone. And from a place of healing and wholeness, you belong to yourself.

So I want to challenge the view that a ring will justify you to man. You have been made just in Him, everything else is just the icing on the wedding cake… 🙂

It’s my Anniversary…

This week I celebrated an anniversary that I would have never thought I’d experience.

On August 10th, I’ve been officially divorced for 1 year. I didn’t even realize it until I was moving some things around and caught a glimpse of the divorce decree. As I stopped and picked it up, I had a swell of mixed emotions.

I don’t think that any experience is either all bad or all good. So although my marriage ended due to, what is the catch-all category for all divorces because ‘my husband decided that the traditional vows of forsaking all others was a suggestion or an option and not a definite no-no’ isn’t listed? Oh, yeah – irreconcilable differences, I still don’t consider it all bad.

I’ve reconciled that the man I married, was not the man that I divorced. The man I married was kind and gentle and loving, the man I divorced was intentionally cruel, selfish and hurtful. The man I married made me feel seen, the man I divorced went out of his way to ignore me. The man I married may not have been strong enough or ready enough to fight against the man that I divorced.

Therefore on this week, I choose to remember the man that I married, and send him love and light. I choose to pray that he finds his way back to the surface and has learned and grown strong enough to never lose that man again. And that’s what I choose to believe.

I appreciate all the lessons I’ve learned about myself in this journey, both during the marriage and afterwards. I know this will not be the end of my love story, and I know that when it’s manifested, I will be stronger, wiser and more prepared because what the world may have considered a failure – I now know it was successful in teaching me.

And if you learn more about yourself, your desires, your needs…how can that be a failure?

Check out my post on IG about the lessons and benefits I’ve experienced since then. Like follow and share with anyone that you believe could use this story…

LISTEN – Bey’s voice, Jesus’ heart

A few decades ago before coronavirus (isn't that what it feels like?), as I was leaving church, I was casually greeting people and telling them have a good day and to enjoy service. 

One lady as I was walking towards the parking lot, she was walking towards the church.  I smiled and said "have a good service" and she casually said, "you too". It was obvious that she didn't actually hear what I said (or maybe was too lost in her own thoughts to even care), she was just operating on autopilot and assumed that was the proper response.

That caused me to think and reflect - so I want to share that with you...

How often are we on autopilot, not actually listening to what the other person says but just giving the generic response that we think goes with what they're about to say? When someone ask you, 'hi how are you?', our answer is typically 'fine'. 

But what happens when we aren't fine? 
What happens when that's not the real answer? 
What would happen if we took ourselves off of autopilot and we actually listen to the other person? Connections.

What would happen if we started to expect people to really tell us how they are feeling and we paused long enough to truly listen and encourage? Companionships. 

What would form if we started this new way of interacting at work? at school? in our businesses? on social media? Community.
 
How would this change your life?

 This is an amen and an ouch post. Because as The Holy Spirit often does, he didn't just leave it there. He challenged me in this area because more often than I would like to admit, my prayers are on autopilot.  How about you? Do you just pray the same prayers over and over again assuming God is listening and taking notes of our requests, but never pausing to listen for His response? 

How many times has he whispered to us, 'Beloved show me your heart. Not the representative that you put on, not the tough skin that you use to survive this sometimes, often times cruel world, but show me your pain, your wounds, your issues - and let me exchange them for something lighter.'? Every Day. 

But not anymore. The same way I was challenged, I challenge you to journey with me today.  I challenge you to listen today. 
Listen intently, not to react but to genuinely respond. To their hurt, their pain, their joy, their truimphs, their struggles.  Be ready to offer a Word of encouragement, accountable companionship and be empowered to step from your autopilot day and connect with the community around 

Are you listening? I am.

Share your comments below...we'd love to hear from you.

So you wanna write a book? Tips & Strategies for writing your story…

Have you thought about writing a book, yet can’t figure out where to start?

Do you know that you have a story to tell that will change the world, or even just your corner of the world – but find yourself overwhelmed with the sheer thought of it?

I’ve been there. I’ve stared at a blank screen, an empty notebook page and just stared. Nothing. I knew I had a story and I know that it needs to be told, but I didn’t even know where I would begin…so trust me I know what you are feeling, and thinking, and stressing.

But I also know that burning desire inside of you. I know that drive to birth the book that has been right on the edge for months, for years. The book that you’ve picked up in a burst of creative energy and written 15 pages, then life got messy and you didn’t look at it again for 2 years.

How would you like to stop – stopping? How would you like to FINALLY finish that book? It took me 6 months to write my first book, but 12 years to start the next one because I allowed life to snuff out the drive in me. Through numerous courses, trainings, coaching and books – I’ve learned the 5 best tips and strategies that helped me unbottle the creativity that has always been inside of me, and with this knowledge, I revamped and relaunched my first book and wrote my next 2 in less than 5 months, all claiming Amazon Bestseller status within the launch weekend.

Am I special? Well, yes of course 🙂 But so are you! We all are unique and individual and that’s our superpower, there is no one more you than you, and no one can tell your story the way that you can. So let me help you tell it.

I’m going to share an abbreviated version of my 5 tips here for those who are reading this and saying, ‘Yes, LaVonia’ this is me!’, then if you are really ready to go further and stop allowing your excuses to keep you from reintroducing yourself to the world through your written masterpiece…then you’ll love what’s next.

So what are the tips? If you know me, you know that I LOVE acronyms. So this is no different. I’ll use one that you will remember: WRITE.

  • W – what are you going to write and why are YOU the only one that can write it?
    • This is where you dig deep from the beginning. Your topic has been covered before by someone that is more well known, more influential (for now) than you, so your why has to be so deep that you aren’t dissuaded by the second and third step.
  • R – Routine. Schedule the time that you will write/create and how often.
    • Will you write everyday? 3x a week? For how long? And where? Setting a time and place to write each scheduled day is important and vital to reaching your goal and not allowing another year to go by without getting your book finished. Be realistic when you set this – if you haven’t written in 18 months, believing that you will start writing everyday for an hour, is probably not gonna happen – sorry, not sorry.
  • I – Investigate. One of the major mistakes that creatives make – is giving people what they think they need, instead of doing research on what they actually want.
    • Dale Carnegie states that the only way to influence people is to talk about what they want and how you are the one to help them. This points back to your ‘why’. Why are you the only one qualified to tell this story? Research what others are talking about in your topic/niche market and how they are talking about it. What do people respond to the most? The least? Then use this information and test your target market. Release excerpts and ask for feedback.
  • T- Tone. How do you want to write the story? What tone do you want to portray? Is this formal or personal? Will you write in 1st, 2nd, 3rd person? Are you the narrator or a character? What’s the plight of your targeted reader and how do they need to be addressed?
    • I remember 2 of my favorite reviews of my book (although I love each and every one) , 1 was from a person that I had never met: ‘Reading La Vonia’s book is like having a coffee date with your best friend that knows all your business and isn’t afraid to call you out. ‘ Then another from a closer friend: ‘I read entire paragraphs in La Vonia’s voice. Reading this book was like talking to her directly and she knew everything about me’. Dale Carnegie also said ‘talk to someone about themselves and you will have their attention for hours’. Give people what they want and you will inevitably provide what they need.
  • E – once you’ve gotten content on paper – Elevate your work by bringing other people in on the process. Hiring professional help including editors, copywriters, formatters, illustrators ensures that your book has the best chances of being noticed and appreciated for the work of art that it is.

I’m rooting for you, Boo. I want you to win and I can’t wait to read your story. I want to see you succeed because there are a lot of amazing stories that have yet to be told, let’s not allow yours to be one of them.

Want more information about writing a book? I enrolled in Self-Publishing School and wrote 3 Bestsellers with their help and strategies!

Find more information here: https://selfpublishing.com/how-to-write-a-book/

Slow down, LOVE to slow down love: Putting the fun back into intentional dating.

Navigating dating again, or for the first time can be hard. And nerve-wracking. And unsure. And confusing. And difficult. And (insert your stressor here) cause we all have one.

But it doesn’t have to be. In fact, I want to assert that it shouldn’t be. I’ve learned that when we add undue pressures, stress, expectations and conditions – we take the fun out of it ourselves. Once I had this revelation, I was able to take me (the overanalytical, unrealistic expectation having, rule reciting control freak me) out of it, and I freed me (the fun, energetic, belly laugh and do it often, optimistic, let’s see where this goes me) to actually enjoy the process.

After getting it wrong so many times, I’m determined to get it right this time. I want to share a few tips with you that helped me get out of my head, guard my heart and date in hope. Prayerfully, you gain the same insight that I did.

For the sake of this blog, I’m not talking about courtship – in the sense of ‘I’ve found the one that my soul loves and we are only waiting for COVID to go home, before we can share our love with the world in a horse drawn carriage ceremony’. Once you’ve found (or been found by, but don’t get me started on the misinterpretation of this scripture) the person that you’ve made a conscious and determined decision to do life together, you are out of the dating game – prayerfully for good. So this article might not directly apply to you, but you may still gain some reminders.

Dating should be informative

Look at dating as information gathering and that takes so much of the pressure off. You are free to be you and they are free to be themselves and your goal is to see if it’s a fit. This is an uncontrolled experience that isn’t manipulated to put your representative out there to get the girl, but then show up with a different presentation once you got her. This isn’t a time for us ladies to showcase our most perfect, supportive carefree imitation, when we know that we haven’t actually cultivated this personality. You have my permission to be you, boo. That’s it. Allow the person that has gained your interest to just be themselves. This gives you an opportunity to gather enough data pretty early to determine if this is worth your time or not. And remember, if you don’t fit doesn’t mean that the other person isn’t a good person, just that they’re not a good FIT for you, so no character assassination necessary. ‘We just aren’t a good fit’ – is a whole mood, explanation, and sentence. Then keep it moving.

Dating should be interactive

No one wants a penpal – unless that’s what you do want, and if that’s the case make that clear. We are all busy, and if you aren’t – where’s your life, bro? But that doesn’t mean that if you have willfully entered into the dating arena, that you use that as an excuse to prolong, i.e – waste someone’s time, when you know you have no intent of appropriately interacting with them. Now, what is appropriate? That’s the best part – you both get to determine the level of interactions that are comfortable and appropriate for you both. We all find time for the things that we make a priority, so if the person isn’t making time for you, and excited to do so – then refer to my appropriate exit line in the first tip, and keep it moving. There’s your information. But a word of caution that I recently had to swallow with my own humble pie: this person had a full life WITHOUT you, just a few days, weeks, months before they met you. It’s unrealistic and unfair to expect them to now rearrange everything or most things to give you all their free time. Set times to interact and be clear about the expectations that you have (returned texts, weekly dates, talking every other day, etc) to determine if this fits the other’s expectations and availability as well.

Dating should be intentional

Ain’t nobody got time for games. We are all grown, grown – so here’s the gut and heart check. MAKE. YOUR. INTENTIONS. KNOWN. And as soon as you know them. If you realize that this person isn’t a good fit, because they don’t meet certain characteristics that you would like to be present – tell them that and move on. No one deserves to be kept around as a ‘just maybe’ or if you’ve read ‘NOT Another Singles Book’ (and if you haven’t get it here!) as a potential – just in case you get bored or need your ego stroked by a person that likes you, but it’s a no for you. We don’t treat our brothers and sisters in Christ that way, and that’s what this person is – or at least, should be.

Dating should be interdependent

A relationship should be private, but it should never be a secret. I’m not saying tell everyone about every Tom, Mary, and Shawn that you are interested in, but you should definitely have some trusted friends that you can talk through your feelings and emotions with, as a sounding board and as sound advice. If you are doing or dating someone (I said what I said) and your best friends don’t know about it – there’s your data as well.

Dating should NOT be intense

Back to the whole premise of this blog. Ease up, hon. Take the pressure off and let whatever will develop, develop. Be patient in figuring it out, you don’t need to know his entire family and medical history in the first week, and fellas you don’t get a monopoly of her time because you decided to invest a bit of interest right off the bat. Dating is an adjustment period for both parties, so show grace. Things happen, plans change, emergencies come up – be ok with life getting in the way of some of the best intentions. Use this as data gathering too – Do I still feel like a priority (in a realistic, I just met you yesterday, bruh way) or does something always ‘come up’ when we are planning to interact? Does this person not have the amount of time that I would like to be dedicated to these interactions, and is it negotiable? Remember, no need to blame, shame or guilt a person into squeezing you into their life – just simply exercise your power to leave. That’s ok.

Ladies: show appreciation for what he is doing.

Men: do something to gain the appreciation.

It could all be so simple, don’t make it hard.

Slow down, Love (take your time getting to know someone, the real someone) to slow down love (don’t awaken feelings, emotions, desires and expectations for a relationship that hasn’t built the proper foundation for it).

Let’s journey together…

Journey to Contentment NEW FREE COURSE!!

Welcome to the Journey!

Hello and welcome to the Journey! Watch this short video to get more insight on my heart for this course and what I desire for you to discover during it. 

This is a mini course of three lessons on Contentment and how to get there or stay there. This course is free and will always be free because you can’t afford to not get this information. 

Getting to contentment is the Single most important thing that you will do in your Singles journey (pun intended) because it is the root and foundation of everything else. If you don’t get to contentment in where you are in life, even as you anticipate your next season, you will struggle in every other area. 

In this course I promise you three things:

  1.  To define contentment and tell you why it is the Single most detrimental joy killer to Singles. 
  2. To teach you how to get to contentment by eliminating all of the babble and background noise and getting to know your heart. 
  3. To give you tips on how to maintain your contentment even when your life doesn’t look like you planned. 

In return – I only ask for two things:

  1. That you go all in. Watch each video, download each task, do each activity. Allow this message to sink deep into the good soil of your heart and watch God do what only He can do. 
  2. Leave me a review of the course and if you get ANY value, please share it with a friend. 

This mini course has three modules. I don’t recommend doing them all in one sitting because you aren’t able to really process and adequately dive into the categories, but if that’s how you roll then go ahead! I just ask that you give it your all so that you can get all out of it. 

I’m honored to journey with you. Are you ready?

REGISTER HERE!

La Vonia

Unchecked Single Problems = Unnecessary Married Issues

Go deeper in fixing your Single Problems with the NOT Another Singles Book: The Workbook available here!https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08VLM1R59/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i2

A minister once told me that many of the married couples that he counseled had Single problems that were now showing up as marriage issues. That sunk down deep in me. Digging a bit deeper, I realized he was discussing issues that one or both of the individuals brought into the marriage that they should have dealt with and resolved while Single. Now they had a whole other person to blame their issues on, instead of looking at the man (or woman) in the mirror. This ministered to me, so let it minister to you.

He elaborated that examples of Single problems are bad credit, poor financial planning, no direction in life, excessive shopping habits, low self-esteem, or image issues. Married problems are squeezing the toothpaste from the middle or the bottom, washing the dishes at night or in the morning, or taking off clothes and leaving a trail to the bedroom after work. Let’s unpack that. As a Single you have an unique opportunity to fix those areas in your life that are lacking, or even the areas that are great but you want to grow into phenomenal, without having to take into account someone’s opinions, feelings or input. So if you have areas of your life that you are unhappy with, then take this time and fix you first instead of getting married and expecting someone to deal with at best, and try to heal at worst – the issues that you should have resolved Single.

What does this look like practically…I’m glad you asked. If you don’t understand the value of saving and investing in a future now, then this can be evidenced in your marriage as you believing your mate is stingy and restrictive because he wants to invest one income while living off the other, and you would rather spend it on the newest trend, house, vacation or gadget every month. If you have a jealous streak and think it’s disrespectful every time your girl is shown any attention by the opposite sex, when you get married you will constantly be fighting every Chick-Fila employee for having ‘the pleasure’ of encountering your wife. What does this mean? If you are a jealous person, this won’t magically go away in marriage…you will just have someone to constantly be jealous about. If you haven’t perfected the subtle but vital art of being alone and enjoying your own company, you will end up suffocating your spouse or feeling neglected when they have healthy interests that include you. Issues that you don’t face and deal with as a Single, will cause unnecessary stress and strife in your marriage because you will seek to get from a spouse only what God can provide.

Marriage is hard enough without your added baggage that you should’ve taken the time to unpack during the time when it was just you. Trust me.

DAY 11: Cast off into the Deep End

NOT Another Singles Devotional Excerpt

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MEMORIZE: Proverbs 19:21  Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but the counsel of the Lord will stand.

READ: Psalm 127

CHALLENGE #11: Think of your “list”’, those characteristics and traits that you believe your spouse must have, or if you are like former me, unfold your 3 page list from your journal. Concentrate on one of the shallowest desires that you have, then ask God to allow you to dig deeper. Replace it with a more significant trait, a deeper one.

            THE LIST. Everyone has one, even if you won’t admit it, you have one. Those essentials characteristics that you want your spouse to embody. Some of them are very valid desires and preferences, and I don’t think that there is anything necessarily wrong with having these kinds of expectations. For example, I want my husband to have a great relationship with his father because I want to dance with him at our wedding, and it would be nice to call someone Dad after healing from 15 years of rejection by my own. This is a noble desire, and one that I truly want the Lord to fulfill, but I am spiritually mature enough to know that if God does not grant it, it’s because He has a better plan for me, not because He is withholding something from me. Our Heavenly Father gives His children good gifts. If he does not fulfill a desire that is on my list, it’s because it does not coincide with a need that is already on His predestined list for me.

            In Luke 5:1-11, Christ calls His first disciples, Simon Peter, James and John as they fish. Jesus tells them, “put out into the deep water and let down your nets for a catch.” Peter immediately questions Christ (he was always questioning something, huh?), and informs Him that they had been fishing all night long and still caught nothing. “But nevertheless,” Peter said that at Christ’s word, he would cast the nets.

            I don’t believe that Peter decided to follow Christ’s directions because he believed Him, I believe he initially did it to prove to Jesus that He was wrong. Peter and Zebedee’s sons (James and John) were fishermen by trade so they had been doing this for a while and they knew all the tricks of the trade. They were experts, with two Olympic gold medals in fishing to show for it. They didn’t need no “preacher” telling them how to do their job; but yet, Peter cast the net. Even in Peter’s doubts, there was something about the nature of Jesus that made him do what Christ said, even though he knew it wouldn’t work. And lo and behold, they caught more fish than they could haul in.

Now let’s relate that to our list of ‘demands’ for our spouse: How often do we consciously or subconsciously tell God we can pick a better mate for ourselves than He can? We do this by getting into a relationship that God has not ordained nor arranged, but one that we think meets the criteria of most of our list, so we jump in. Then, we bring that relationship to God when it isn’t going the way we believe it should go and ask God to fix it. In my spiritual mind, I hear God saying, “I didn’t give that to you, so I’m the reason it’s falling apart. I won’t fix something I didn’t ordain for you to have in the first place.” So we sit and watch our relationship crumble, and then we blame God for not bending to our will instead of repenting for not submitting to His. I’ve often, and you as well if you are mature enough to admit it, asked God to bless my choices on the backend, instead of trusting Him enough to choose my blessings that he has already ordained for me. This “list” has gotten me into some bad relationships and I have the healed wounds and beauty scars to prove it. Even if you don’t think the path God is taking you on is right, trust that He is right. Psalm 119:68 says “The Lord is good and He does good things”. He knows what He is talking about. He has never been unsure about His plans for you. He wooed and captured your heart, didn’t He? You can trust Him to take that same care in orchestrating your union.

            I’m sure you can understand how this translates into how we should now approach relationships. Many of us have been dating for a while. I labeled myself as a reformed serial monogamist, because I was always in a relationship, coming out of one, going into another, or had a least three potentials floating around, waiting on their chance. Thanks be to God for deliverance. We often think we know what we want in a mate, those essential characteristics that a spouse need to embody for them to be compatible for us. In a way, we are telling Christ that we can pick a better mate for ourselves, when we don’t consult with Him before we pick out the China patterns and send the save the dates.

            As I earlier stated we often ask God to bless our choice, instead of waiting on Him to choose our blessing. What does this mean? It means that we will find the best man or woman that fits the characteristics on our list (whether it is written or mental), and then ask God to bless that relationship, as opposed to asking God to ordain the meeting of our mate. If we would ask first, we wouldn’t need to come behind asking Him to bless our will, because we waited for His.

            Vow to do this with your next relationship and see the difference. Allow God to orchestrate the initial meeting and follow His specific directions throughout the entire relationship and see how much deeper the connection is.

            Dig in deeper, forget those things that you think you want and allow God to give you what you need. If you hold too tightly to your own agenda, your hand isn’t open for God to give you His Will. Don’t spend any more time as the early disciples did, fishing all night and catching nothing. Use God’s Provisional System to direct you — then and only then, “let down your net” once more to catch the fish that He has waiting for you.

You’ve tried it your way this long. How is that working out for you? Why not try it His way now?

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Should you be looking & What you will find: Analysis of Proverbs 18:22

Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing and inherits the favor of the Lord.

Now everyone knows this scripture, but have you ever researched it? We have been taught that
this clarifies that THE MAN is supposed to FIND the WIFE, and we use it to justify why a
woman should not be looking for a man. Now on the superficial, this is one interpretation of the
scripture, but it goes so much deeper than just this. Let’s take it word for word:

HE: On first thought, this is thought to mean just a man…But looking deeper this is the same HE
that is used to describe Adam, Joseph and David. This HE (whoso) is not just a male, but this is a
male that has the mental capabilities of love, one that is set financially, emotionally, mentally,
and physically to provide for a wife. The mental capacity to love comes from many sources; but
it DOES NOT come from emotion. If love is only based on emotions, then what happens when
the butterflies fade away? When in the heat of an argument or the throes of lust you forget that
you have made a conscious decision to love another person. If it were merely an emotion, the
divorce rate would be a lot higher. The Hebrew here refers specifically to men who have reached
the mental capacity to love a woman with agape love- as God intended. This is a HE that is
prepared for the responsibility of a wife and a family. The man who separates himself and seeks
wisdom. HE must be ready for the serious and great task of loving a woman as Christ loves the
Church, respecting her and honoring her as the weaker partner. (1 Peter 3:7) This HE is one who
is serving the Lord in full capacity NOW as a single male. From this interpretation, many males
don’t fit the characteristics of the HE, so therefore should not be looking.

That FINDS: Now this word is interesting because it does not take from the definition of the act
of physically searching for something. Even Webster has the right definition: to discover or
perceive after consideration; to come upon by chance; to become aware of, or discover (oneself),
as being in a condition or location. WOW!! This means that IF you are in your lane, seeking the
Lord, then you may happen to come upon, or discover your wife or husband to be, while in your
lane, going in the same direction. Joseph was given his wife. Adam and David likewise did
nothing to deserve their wives. You are directly focused on pursuing God and on the path that he
has set, and when you are in the right location and condition, you may happen upon that
appointed person.

A WIFE: Now this is not just referring to just a female. But this is referring to a woman that is
worthy to be called by such a honorable name. A wife is esteemed, so therefore this label will not
apply to all women. This wife is a jewel of great value, a rare jewel; he has found that one which
will not only contribute more than anything to his comfort in this life, but will forward him in the
way to heaven. This means if you are not praying and serving God now, single- you probably
won’t start magically when you get married. It also refers to taking care of the responsibilities of
the household and fulfilling your wifely roles-cooking, cleaning, caring for the family,e tc. (For
those of you that are all for the Women’s Movement, Liberations, Equal Responsibilities and
Roles-It may work (and should) in the Office World, but has no relevance or authority over
God’s Word. WE STILL HAVE ROLES (Proverbs 31:10-31, Titus 2:4-5, Ephesians 5:22.I Peter
3:1-6) I didn’t write it, I’m just quoting it! This definition also has to do with THE MAN’s

capacity to love that particular woman! “A good wife” is a woman the man recognizes as one
whom he has the mental capacity to love. This is the woman he would protect and honor at all
cost, above everything below God-spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically.

Finds a GOOD THING: Now just because you are a female, and you get married, doesn’t mean
that you will be a ‘good thing.’ In order to meet these qualifications you have to first meet the
criteria of a WIFE. That means you also have to have your stuff together, and not just sitting
around waiting on your life to start when your ‘Boaz’ shows up. To be FOUND, you have to be
traveling in the same direction that HE was traveling-a path directed and ordained for God’s
glory. Proverbs 31:12 She brings him GOOD all the days of his life. So are you living as a good
thing right now? The Hebrew goes on to infer that the only way a man can, through the ultimate
source of his soul, give his mental capacity of love to a woman, is if he recognizes in her, the
ability to respond and accept his love. Women are designed by God to be the responders to a
man’s love.

And inherits the FAVOR of the Lord: This is one of those ‘if, then’ clauses. IF, all the criteria are
met before the ‘comma’, then you will receive the blessings after it. Favor – Granted to her, and
bestowed upon him, not by his own diligence, but by God’s good providence. Meaning that you
can’t sway God’s hand or speed up his timing, but when and if He so sees fit, he will bestow it
upon you.

I pray that you received this as a Word and use it to change your mindset and focus, if you (as I
did) misinterpretated this scripture, or confirmation if this has already been revealed to you.

References: The Hebrew Bible, Pastor Monty Rainey
Excerpt from NOT another Singles Book by La Vonia R. Tryon
Find us on facebook @NOT Another Singles Book

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