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COME JOURNEY WITH US…

Single NOT Alone weekly experiences began in January. SNA is a monthly coaching and mentor call that takes 4 major topics Single women experience and breaks them into relevant and practical tips with insightful dialogue.

If you missed January, you definitely don’t want to miss the next Cohort. February is guaranteed to be even better as we spend the month talking about love and why it’s not as far off as we think, and how to truly enjoy EVERY aspect of love as a Single.

This is the February PRE-PARTY! This call will be an opportunity for you to meet the Author, get an overview of the experience with a detailed look at January’s subject matter, as well as an opportunity for Q&A and open discussion on relationships, contentment, purpose and personal development.

LaVonia R. Tryon is a Counselor and Mentor with over 15 years in mental health experience, and twice as much in relational experiences. A Reformed Serial Monogamist, she lived most of her adult life either being in a relationship, coming out of a relationship, or going into another situationship. Her hilarious takes on her struggles are wittingly expressed as your lessons. This session will not disappoint!

Come join like-minded ladies for an experience that will set you on the path to getting everything that is coming to you in 2021.

https://mailchi.mp/6b5437464c04/single-not-alone-february-kickoff

You might be out of Egypt, but is Egypt out of you?

Excerpt from NOT Another Singles Devotional Feb 2021:

“When the Israelites were released from Egypt, God lead them the long way, because He knew their hearts weren’t strong enough to face war yet. In the same way for us Singles, delay is not denial. God recognizes that it takes longer to get Egypt out of us than to get us out of Egypt. You may be physically out of that last relationship, last sin, last misstep, but in your mind, you’re still there.

There are certain habits and issues you are still dealing with that God can’t allow you to take into your Promised Land. Because He is a God of movement, He will take us on a detour to get to where we need to go, while He works that Egypt mentality out of us.

God knew that the Israelites would have run back into their slave situations if they saw even the prospect of war, because they still had the slave mindset. Likewise, you may not be ready for that. You may not be strong enough to stand and fight for your peace, for your contentment, for your joy – for whatever it is that the enemy will use to convince you that God has forgotten you; so, God desires to lead you around it. It will take longer, but there is so much beauty in the journey that you might never see if you just rush into a relationship.”

#notanothersingle

#notanotherseries

#fromknowledgetowisdom

#JourneyingTogether#Devotional

2020 in Review – oh what a year…

This year has been one for the books – and I’ve been broken and blessed through it all. Journey with me, through a few of the highs and lows…

  1. January – secretly filed for divorce from my emotionally abusive, adulterous, dishonest now ex-husband.
  2. February – gained weight, emotionally drained, depressed and probably in one of my lowest states. Bought a new car. Gave my old car to my brother.
  3. March – experienced a lockdown due to Covid-19. Started working from home, but lost my second source of income.
  4. April – drew closer to God and knew that I needed help to get through this. Started therapy and getting mentor counseling.
  5. May – joined KRAVE Fitness – but didn’t really invest. Was voted Chaplain of my sorority and struggled because even praying for myself was a struggle daily. My doubt and faith were low and mentally – I just couldn’t.
  6. June – joined KRAVE Glow up monthly challenge and got a group of the most loving, accepting, encouraging and motivating women as family. First time I openly discussed my divorce and finally started the healing process – instead of covering and numbing. Lost 20 lbs.
  7. July – dug into my mental and physical health FULL FORCE. Forgave myself for the my part in the divorce, released myself from the shame that wasn’t mine to carry. Lost 12 lbs.
  8. August – created safe spaces in my life and limits in areas to continue healing. DIVORCE WAS FINALIZED. Lost 13 lbs. Decided to relaunch my first book after 7 years.
  9. September – found out about more deceit by my ex-husband and realized my indifference. Prayed for mercy instead of justice for him and rested in the freedom that forgiveness gave me. Joined Self-Publishing school and my motivation and creativity was restored and refreshed like never before. Registered for my NCE exam to began Licensed Professional Counselor process.
  10. October – relaunched NOT Another Singles Book. Did a Launch party with several other creatives and feel more in love with the woman that I have become, after the storm. Book reached #1 Amazon Best-seller in 4 categories and sold over 500 copies in the first 2 weeks (2nd source of income). Continued to gain muscle and heal my relationship with food. No more numbing and hiding – learned to feel the feelings.
  11. November – launched paperback book. Started NOT Another Singles Workbook, revamped book, marketing of book. Hosted my first (of this kind) Mentorship call for Single women – 50 registrants (this was a big deal) – lost a total of 52 lbs. Published second book ‘What do the Single do at Christmas’. Joined EVERYDAY Seminary with Dr. Dharius Daniels.
  12. December – began learning to trade (3rd source of income). Launched Single NOT Alone group calls for Single women, had intro call and subscribers (4th source of income). Learned the meaning of rest and regrouping. Fell more in love with myself and released my strength. God healed the wounds. My scars are now beauty marks. Gave a crazy faith offering with Transformation Church.

There are so many other things that I can highlight/recap including:

1. I read 18-20 books this year –working a full-time job, getting a divorce, creating multiple streams of income, and healing my mental health – that’s a lot.

2. I now have 4 streams of income – they all will bring me income in each month of 2021. I will create 3 more this year.

3. I’m using my struggle as other women’s lessons to walk them through the healing that the Lord was gracious and faithful enough to pull me through.

4. I’m open to dating again. Now if I were to tell you the whole Lifetime movie (and not the Christmas kind) of my marriage, this is a very big deal.

5. I kept alive my first plant – ever, in my life. And grew my own food – kale.

6.  I see my 94 yo grandma everyday and hug her and play bingo and do puzzles with her. This is joy.

7. I truly learned the meaning of Psalm 147:3 ‘God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds’

I’m still here. I’m still whole. Just because it’s not how it used to be – doesn’t mean that it’s not exactly how it’s SUPPOSED to be.

2021 – oh, what a journey you will be.

Day 6 of MISSMas: Covid Changes Everything

On the 6th Day of MISSMas, I gave to me the gift of … The Corona Chronicles.

As I decided to write this post, I realize that COVID truly has changed everything. Here in the United States, many officials and official sources have encouraged us to postpone or cancel all together our holiday gatherings due to the rising COVID-19 cases. Which will affect our holiday plans, no matter who you are.

No one believed that starting 2020, we would be ending it the way that we are. It has been almost 11 months since we have gone into some level of shut down and the things that we took for granted, like going into the grocery store or to the gym, have become foreign to us. No matter what stream of thought you ascribe to, Coronavirus has affected your life in some way. Many people have lost jobs, had to share Wi-Fi with teleworkers and kids doing homeschool, gained weight, lost weight, read a book, wrote a book and many other numerous things that we never had the time to do before March.

As Singles, one thing is clear, COVID has made us hyper aware of our Singleness. We have probably spent more time alone than we have in the past, and it may have been a struggle to really understand being comfortable alone without being overwhelmed with a sense of loneliness.   This is a fine art and not one that is easily mastered. We spend  so much of our time being busy instead of productive that being forced to slow down and spend time with ourselves, either gave us time to be introspective and do some internal work, or it made  us extremely uncomfortable  in our own skin; in our own homes. Hopefully, you are the former and you have used this time to fall more in love with yourself and really hone into your purpose. But if you are in the later and this pandemic has been particularly hard on you, my prayer is that these 12 Days of MISSMas bring you hope and a different outlook. I would love to connect with you more and walk you through the beautiful journey that is Singleness. Please connect with me at lavonia@lavoniartryon.com to book a free coaching call. No one should be Single alone.

As Coronavirus changes the way we view the world and each other, we have choices. We can choose to be defeated and accept that we will be alone forever unless the Amazon delivery person is really cute, or we can turn our focus off of the one thing that we think we are missing and focus on everything that we do have. As Singles, we often rock our own contentment boat by focusing on the wrong things, and not keeping the main thing – the main thing. As a Single, during a global pandemic you have a unique advantage that many people don’t have. No distractions, or at least less than your married counterparts.

For the Singles without children – how are you spending your time? Since the social life has either diminished or at least changed shapes, what productive activities have you added that will cause multiplication in your life? Have you been able to build your savings account? Are you focused on your health and wellness and you’ve finally started to use that home gym that has been collecting dust in your garage? Have you built your career and professional resume? Started a business? Picked up a hobby? Learned a new language? Wrote a book? Read a book? This list isn’t meant to make you feel like you haven’t done enough, in fact it was created for just the opposite. You have a unique opportunity in this time to come out better than you went it. Don’t waste it on Netflix binges.

For the Singles with children – I can only imagine some of the stress that you may be under. Especially if you must homeschool your kid(s), work, take care of the household and have any expectation to bathe that day as well. Although I can’t personally relate to your struggle, I can speak to your strength. You got this, sis. You are making a difference, brother. Your children will rise up and call you blessed. Reach out to your support system. If you have someone that is ‘in your bubble’ – meaning someone that you have either quarantined with or that is in a safe environment who can babysit for a bit, take advantage of it. We are a nation and a generation that has this aversion to asking for help. I want to call you out on that and call that out of you. It’s not strength to struggle when there is help available; it’s pride. Use your village so that you can get some time for yourself to recharge and reconnect with you – the you that is enhanced not hindered by the unique experiences that you have been trusted with as a Single parent. Get creative. Even if you can’t physically get to someone, I had a friend that gave the suggestion of doing a Zoom call with her friend’s kid so that she could go take a long bath. Technology is wonderful, and I’d love to see the LEGO castle that your child has built or to read them a book, so I’m sure that you have someone in your community who would love to as well. Show yourself strong and reach out.

COVID-19 Changes Everything

As I decided to write this book, I realized that COVID truly has changed everything. Here in the United States, many officials and official sources have encouraged us to postpone or cancel all together our holiday gatherings due to the rising COVID-19 cases. This book isn’t a political or health stance, and I offer no opinion or advice about either route, I only plead that whatever you choose to do that you stay safe. And that you think beyond yourself and think about those vulnerable around you as you make the best decisions for you and your family.

No one believed that starting 2020, we would be ending it the way that we are. It has been almost 10 months since we have gone into some level of shut down and the things that we took for granted, like going into the grocery store or to the gym, have become foreign to us. No matter what stream of thought you ascribe to, Coronavirus has affected your life in some way. Many people have lost jobs, had to share Wi-Fi with teleworkers and kids doing homeschool, gained weight, lost weight, read a book, wrote a book and many other numerous things that we never had the time to do before March.

As Singles, one thing is clear, COVID has made us hyper aware of our Singleness. We have probably spent more time alone than we have in the past, and it may have been a struggle to really understand being comfortable alone without being overwhelmed with a sense of loneliness.   This is a fine art and not one that is easily mastered. We spend  so much of our time being busy instead of productive that being forced to slow down and spend time with ourselves, either gave us time to be introspective and do some internal work, or it made  us extremely uncomfortable  in our own skin; in our own homes. Hopefully, you are the former and you have used this time to fall more in love with yourself and really hone into your purpose. But if you are in the later and this pandemic has been particularly hard on you, my prayer is that this mini-book brings you hope and a different outlook. I would love to connect with you more and walk you through the beautiful journey that is Singleness. Please connect with me at lavonia@lavoniartryon.com to book a free coaching call. No one should be Single alone.

As Coronavirus changes the way we view the world and each other, we have choices. We can choose to be defeated and accept that we will be alone forever unless the Amazon delivery person is really cute, or we can turn our focus off of the one thing that we think we are missing and focus on everything that we do have. As Singles, we often rock our own contentment boat by focusing on the wrong things, and not keeping the main thing – the main thing. As a Single, during a global pandemic you have a unique advantage that many people don’t have. No distractions, or at least less than your married counterparts.

For the Singles without children – how are you spending your time? Since the social life has either diminished or at least changed shapes, what productive activities have you added that will cause multiplication in your life? Have you been able to build your savings account? Are you focused on your health and wellness and you’ve finally started to use that home gym that has been collecting dust in your garage? Have you built your career and professional resume? Started a business? Picked up a hobby? Learned a new language? Wrote a book? Read a book? This list isn’t meant to make you feel like you haven’t done enough, in fact it was created for just the opposite. You have a unique opportunity in this time to come out better than you went it. Don’t waste it on Netflix binges.

For the Singles with children – I can only imagine some of the stress that you may be under. Especially if you must homeschool your kid(s), work, take care of the household and have any expectation to bathe that day as well. Although I can’t personally relate to your struggle, I can speak to your strength. You got this, sis. You are making a difference, brother. Your children will rise up and call you blessed. Reach out to your support system. If you have someone that is ‘in your bubble’ – meaning someone that you have either quarantined with or that is in a safe environment who can babysit for a bit, take advantage of it. We are a nation and a generation that has this aversion to asking for help. I want to call you out on that and call that out of you. It’s not strength to struggle when there is help available; it’s pride. Use your village so that you can get some time for yourself to recharge and reconnect with you – the you that is enhanced not hindered by the unique experiences that you have been trusted with as a Single parent. Get creative. Even if you can’t physically get to someone, I had a friend that gave the suggestion of doing a Zoom call with her friend’s kid so that she could go take a long bath. Technology is wonderful, and I’d love to see the LEGO castle that your child has built or to read them a book, so I’m sure that you have someone in your community who would love to as well. Show yourself strong and reach out.

12 Days of MISSMas: Day 5 Blessed Wounds

On the 5th Day of MissMas, I give to Me the gift of … Wounds of a Friend.

“You can trust a friend who wounds you with his honesty, but your enemy’s pretended flattery comes from insincerity.” Proverbs 27:6 TPT

Today’s gift is a bit of a harder one to swallow, but one that is so necessary if we are really and truly going to become the best version of ourselves. When I would read the above verse, I always agreed. I would rather you tell me the truth, than for you to flatter me with empty words. I’ve even told people not to ascribe characteristics or ‘pet names’ to me until I’ve actually earned them, like they have actually seen me portray these so that I know that when they are said; I can trust that they are true reflections of me and not just something that is said on autopilot to everyone.

We all want to be special. We all want to be different. We all want to be authentic. But sometimes, our view of ourselves gets cloudy and tainted by so much of the gunk of the world that gets inflicted on us and some of the trash that we willingly ingest. So, that’s where this verse comes in. We all need that friend that values our character more than our comfort. Who loves us enough to be real with us, even when that realness is a bit offensive. A friend willing to make you uncomfortable to address an area of your character or life choices that could be improved.

Let’s call these friends ‘fly watchers’, because this name makes me smile, and writing this is a bit vulnerable and painful, so I’d rather smile through the self-reflection – so humor me. Have you ever had a time when you were walking around with spinach in your teeth, a stray in your nose or the absolute worst – your fly open – and you have encountered 15 other people, but then you get to one person and they discreetly wiggle their eyebrows and glance down at your pants to alert you to your goodies on display? What everyone feels in this moment is pretty universal – first, relief that someone was willing to risk slightly embarrassing me to alert me of the issue as to prevent further public embarrassment and then secondly – we instantly start to question the loyalty, ethics and moral human existence (ok maybe not that far, but you get my point), of the numerous other people that we have encountered since we went to the restroom, or ate lunch or blew our nose – and their failure to alert us.

I’m a fly watcher. And I pride myself on that. And up until a recent encounter, I would proudly say that I loved my fellow fly watchers too, like I want you to tell me if my fly is down too. But such an encounter of a deeper measure made me do a double take and the wound of one friend revealed a hurt that hadn’t properly being dealt with. And my initial response was to lash out at the person for their delivery of the blow – which was albeit harsh and inappropriate, and trust I had no qualms with letting them know that, but after a little talk with Jesus, I realized that this person was a very rough around the edges reflection of Proverbs 27:6. A wound hurts, y’all. God used the correct terminology in this verse. I truly believe it was strategic, because wounds heal – and they become scars, and if we allow The Lord to do the healing then this area in our lives will become a beauty mark, an honor badge of an area that hurt but is now an intricate part of our stories in becoming who we were meant to be.

So on today, I wanna watch your fly too. What harsh truth has been revealed to you that was easier to dismantle the messenger than it is to decipher the message?  Because you didn’t like the way it was said, you found it easier to dismiss WHAT was actually said? I want to implore you sisters, today is the day that we can take an honest look at ourselves, our character, our choices and use those wounds to our advantage. Here’s the challenge – ‘eat the meat, spit out the bones’. This means that I take a statement that might sting, and I look for the truth in it, no matter how it was delivered. I ‘spit out the bones’ of how it was said or even why it was said, and I ‘eat the meat’ by evaluating what in my character or interactions gave this perception. Then I do the hard work of changing it, if it truly is something that I don’t want to be associated with.

And even if you are never brave enough to actually thank the friend, or if the delivery wasn’t done in love or a way that you would like to reconcile the relationship and that’s your choice – in the end, you’ve still grown and that wound is now a beauty mark on your beautiful journey, not just a bleeding wound that another fly watcher will have to point out.

Let’s grow sisters, through the weeds, through the things that we have dismissively charged as attacks on our character but have actually been God-sent wounds from a friend. Thank You, Lord for loving us enough to show us a reflection of who we are, so we can become the reflection of Who You created us to be. I’ll cherish every wound and thank every friend from this day forward.

Eventually…lol. Hey, it’s a process. 😊  Let’s journey together.

12 Days of MISSMas: Day 4 Recharge

On the 4th Day of MISSMas I give to Me the gift of…A ‘Recharge’ Day.

We take life way too seriously. Like for real. I’m not saying that things aren’t going on in the world that are very serious and very heartwrenching, what I am saying is that we need to learn to slow down and rest in the happy moments. Stop in our busy day and acknowledge the things that make us happy. Then do some of those things.

I’ve realized that I have a lot on my plate, and I love my life this way. I love productivity, I love tangible results, I love checking things off on my to do list – these things feed me. But I also love 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles, and adult coloring books and watching Marvel movies and cheesy Hallmark Christmas stories – these things refresh me. It took me a long time to realize that it’s ok to just relax. To actually enjoy the things that make me happy without feeling guilty about not being ‘productive’. I realized that my productivity was heightened when I took a step back and recharged with the things that didn’t fit in my to do list, but they sure felt good in the moment. I enjoyed the activities, so therefore while engaging in them, the stress of my day and the mounting things that I still needed to do, didn’t matter in that moment. This was what unplugging felt like. And then the next day, when I got back to productivity, I forced myself not to feel guilt or like I was lazy or any negative emotion for my very positive encounters.

I’ve learned to allow myself to be free enough to accept a recharge day, or hour or 6. I’ve learned the unforced rhythms of grace and life, realizing as Brene Brown says, sometimes to dig deep means we have to step away, reset and come back refreshed. This works, y’all. Take a moment out of your day – today whether it’s 15 minutes or 2 hours but do something that doesn’t have a productivity measure attached to it, but it simply makes you feel good. What is it? Leave a comment below and tell me how you recharge.

Do you read? Play Candy Crush? Go for a very slow walk? Do a puzzle? Cook something totally unhealthy and then share it (we’re not trying to sabotage here, ladies 😊)? How do you unplug to recharge? If you haven’t perfected this art yet, I challenge you to spend this holiday season finding that one thing that recharges you – that doesn’t check something off your list, but simply refuels your happy. Then make a plan to do it in the next week, and when the shame or guilt rises up within you for not being productive, remind yourself that recharging is some of the best productivity that you can give yourself. If it makes you feel better, you can even schedule it in your planner. There! You got this. Let’s journey together.

12 Days Of MISSMas: Day 3 Letting Go

On the 3rd Day of MissMas I gave to Me the gift of…Letting Go.

Letting Go can be hard. Whether it’s a situation that we find it difficult to move on from, a hurt or a pain that was caused by someone else, or letting go of a relationship, romantic or otherwise. We have become masters of justifying giving just one more chance. We often will fight tooth and nail to not let go of something that is no longer serving us because it’s comfortable, (spoiler: this will be one of our days). We as women, sometimes are creatures of habits and we will continue in a well-worn path simply because it’s the way that it’s always been.

Why is letting go hard? Because sometimes it feels like we are giving up when we let go. Like we failed, even if the very thing that we are holding on to is actually failing us. To let go means we have to admit that something is dead, over, beyond repair – that we couldn’t fix it. And that hearts more than actually letting go, admitting that we couldn’t make it work no matter how hard we tried.

We have to understand that many things in our life come for a reason, a season and/or a time. We end up causing ourselves and others more pain than necessary when we allow something in our life to stay longer than its expiration date. Trying to force something into a lifetime role when it was only meant to be present for a season makes almost as much sense as wearing a winter jacket in Texas heat. You will pass out, literally in the heat and emotionally from the baggage. We must take personal inventory of our personal, spiritual, vocational, physical and emotional relationships periodically and do a bit of a self check.

Is this still serving me? Does this add to my life? Is it subtracting from my purpose? Am I still attached to ‘it’ or just the idea of it?

If you are like me, there are so many things that I held on to simply because the idea of being without it was more painful than truly evaluating the value it was no longer adding. I remember when I was struggling to let go of a particularly bad relationship I had a God-sent friend that asked me, ‘Vonnie are you fighting so hard for it because it’s what you still want, or are you just fighting for it because you’re afraid of going through the pain of letting it go?’ That hit me hard. I didn’t still want to be with him, truth be told-I barely liked him, but I just dreaded the idea of being alone again and having to start all over. So I was willing to sacrifice more time, energy and emotions on a relationship that still ended. Don’t do that to yourself, sis.

Take a deep breath. Have a funeral. Bury it. Burn it. Throw it away. Write a letter to them telling them all the things you wish you could have said. Sit an empty chair in the middle of the room, imagine them there and yell, scream, cry…get it all out. Block the number. Delete the messages. Whatever you need to do to get to your freedom, be willing to do it. You need room for the enlarged territory that God wants to give you.

Say it with me… Today… I let it go…

12 Days of MissMas

Day 2: Grace

On the Second Day of MissMas I give to me…Grace

On the second day of MissMas, I want to discuss the gift of grace. Many times, we are often quick (well sometimes not so quick, who are we kidding) to give grace to others but find it hard to give to ourselves. Why is this? Why are we our own worst critics? I think it’s because we haven’t really learned the rhythms of grace. The eb and flow of life choices and how beautiful the journey is. Grace has many definitions ranging from a period allowed before payment is due to a prayer during meals to goodwill to the free and unmerited favor of God. Grace gives the benefit of the doubt, it gives room to make mistakes and get back up to try again with or without the consequences of the error.

For Believers, we receive the free gift of Grace when we realize that there is nothing in and of ourselves that we can do to earn it from God, it’s recognizing and accepting that we serve a God of ‘another chance’. It is God recognizing the humans that we are and allowing us room to stretch out into our imperfections while keeping us safely within the boundaries of His protection. If a Holy, Matchless God could give us this wonderous gift for free knowing that we would repeatedly both willingly and consciously take advantage of it, even in our futile attempts to be worthy of such a gift – when will you, my Beautiful Queen, extend the same grace to yourself? When will you stop striving to be who you think the world wants you to be and stretch out into the Woman that you are? When will you realize that you are enough – you with your messy hair, chipped nails, immaculate eyebrows, tailored power suit and baby throw-up sweatshirt- just the way you are? God made you perfectly before the formation of the world and he knew every bad decision and blatant sin that you would commit – yet He still died with your name on His lips – to extend eternal grace to you.

So for today – let’s try to extend a little grace to ourselves. This isn’t an excuse to not leave everything you’ve got on the field, to actualize your life and reach your personal goals. It’s a breather when you don’t get everything right. It’s being ok with not cooking dinner tonight after working 15 hours and letting the kids pick their favorite cereal. It’s washing the clothes tomorrow and watching ‘Jingle Jangle’ for the 3rd time with extra butter popcorn tonight. It’s taking the day off work and surprising a friend with a social distance picnic instead of over preparing for the same meeting that you’ve been stressing about for a week. It’s being ok with not being ok, but not being ok staying there.

Grace gives you room to just be you today. Accept your beautiful imperfections and bask in the light that is YOU. We all see it, you can do great things beautiful girl, if you would only give yourself Grace to try again.

12 Days of MISS Mas…Day 1: Identity

12 Daily Blogs to my Single Ladies…

On the first day of MISS Mas, I gave to me… ME (Identity)

Getting ready for Christmas, or some symbolism of Christmas as 2020 has literally changed everything, I decided to write a blog from one Single lady to another. Each day we will talk about a different aspect of Singleness that affects many of us and I believe if you stick with me, you will surely find a topic that you can relate.

So for the first day, I’m gonna share a bit about my Singles journey – both before and after marriage. I believe that by sharing my journey in this way, you will be able to glimpse into my life and possibly gain a better understanding of why I’m so passionate about loving and actualizing your Single life.

Most of my adult life has been spent attached to a man. I was always in a relationship, coming out of a relationship or heading into a situationship, but I was never truly Single. Like no potentials, no +1s, no guys hanging in the background hoping I choose them, or even worse I spent some time being the girl hanging in the background hoping the guy realized how amazing I was and decided to love me. Sad, right? I agree. Looking back on that girl, I don’t feel sorry for her because every one of her hardships helped shape me into the woman that I currently am, but there is a huge part of me that wishes I could just reach back and give her a good shake, tho.

If you haven’t read NOT Another Singles Book, you might not know much of my journey so I definitely would recommend grabbing this book and journeying with me. But as a synopsis, I discuss that I played a role in every relationship I was in. I didn’t have a clear view of my identity, so it became easy to pretend to be whoever the person needed at that time. Naturally they would fall in love with me, because I was everything the needed, the perfect woman for them in that moment…but I wasn’t me. So I couldn’t sustain the façade of being everything to everybody. As you can tell from the title of this blog – it didn’t work.

Then I took some time to get to know me, like the real me – not the one that shows up on interviews and first dates. And I found out that I love me. The authentic me, without the bells, expectations and identity crisis – but the woman that is confident in herself, bold about her purpose and passionate about her vision. The woman that isn’t afraid to spend time alone, because she’s comfortable in her own skin and enjoys her own company.

After my divorce, I rejoined the land of Missdom. And I realized that I missed me. I had spent such a long time getting to know me, and then I lost that identity in the struggle of trying to keep my marriage together. All my energy and focus was poured into not only keeping up the false image that I had built of my marriage once it started to really fall apart, a warped sense of loyalty to a man that wasn’t loyal, and the overwhelming grip of shame when I realized divorce was the only option for me. I had nothing left, for me.

And now I’m back to who I’ve become. I’m stronger, better, with deeper roots and a more secure identity in Christ. And I believe that because of the struggle that I endured and came out of, I have moved from knowledge to wisdom in this area.

So why start the 12 Days of MissMas with this story. Because it’s the identity for me, sis. If you don’t know who you are, you will settle for an imitation of yourself that the people in your live inadvertently build to suit their needs. COVID-19 has provided us a unique opportunity to slow down and declutter our lives, physically-mentally-emotionally-spiritually. Use this time wisely, Queens. Really get to know yourself during this time and get secure in your identity as a WHOLE, party of 1. It’s truly the best gift that you can give yourself.

What’s next? Would you like to journey together in this time and have me come alongside you and share my journey, so you don’t have to live the lessons? I want to offer you to join me on Sunday, December 20th 2020 at 5pm CST as we chat, laugh and discuss these very things together. I want to share a new experience that will start in January and I would love for you to be a part.

Here’s the link to register for the FREE Convo session!

Single, Not Alone – understanding the difference

In my first book, NOT Another Singles Book, I discuss in great detail the difference between being alone and feeling lonely. If you struggle with understanding this difference, you aren’t the only one. We’ve never been taught the fine line of being alone and being ok with it. Being alone is a matter of circumstance – it simply means that you are in your own company. Being lonely – is feeling like you missed out on something because of it. I personally know what it’s like to be lonely while in a marriage, and if it’s any consolation to your Single heart, you’d much rather your cup than mine. I struggled so long in understanding how to be alone with myself and comfortable, that if I can spare you of that – this will be worth it.

So how do I be alone without being lonely? First step is to truly get to know yourself. When you are comfortable in your skin and your identity, being alone can serve to refuel and recharge you. Being alone with yourself gives allowances to self-assessment – what’s working for me? What’s no longer serving me? Where can I improve? What accomplishments can I be proud of in this day, week, month, year? All of these are self-reflective questions and great starting points in getting comfortable being alone.

The world, society, and social media all give us the indication that being alone is either something that we shouldn’t be ok with, or something different than what it actually is. For example – if you search the hashtag #alone on any social media site, you will most likely see posts with people being anything but. We all know that social media can be a great thing, but it can also be the thief of contentment, by trapping us in a whirlwind of comparison. Being alone doesn’t have to be some perfectly poised and staged photo worthy moment, it can simply be enjoying your own company.

Once you take the time to truly get to know yourself in this time, then being alone is a welcomed break and reset from a busyness that has become the norm of our society. We are always coming from one thing, heading to another event, just got out of a meeting or off a call. When do we actually just sit and be still with ourselves? Check in on our emotions and feelings – cause we know those jokers can get carried away when we don’t monitor them. Truly choosing to spend time alone gives you room in your life and day to evaluate things, instead of just going with the flow.

Here’s an activity – and it will feel weird the first time you do it, possibly the first few times but the more you do it, the better you will feel. I will even make you a promise – do this for a week, starting today and if you don’t begin to enjoy it, then I will refund the money you spent on this blog post 😉. Stop, get quiet – turn off Tiktok and IG (another promise, the withdrawal symptoms will pass) and ask yourself – “How are you today?” Then do something that we never do when we ask that coworker or person that we pass on the street, listen. Really listen. How are you feeling:

  1. Physically – is anything hurting or out of alignment? Any health concerns that you need to take care of sooner rather than later?
  2. Emotionally – have you healed from that last disappointment? Are you giving someone free headspace that hasn’t earned it? Are you in control of your feelings or do they control you?
  3. Mentally – where’s your focus? What’s keeping you up at night or what’s driving you to get up early in the morning?
  4. Spiritually – are you connected to your God, Source Energy, Chakras – whatever your higher power? Are you in tune, in balance, in purpose, in identity and alignment with the principles and lifestyle you claim to believe?

Do this a couple of times a week, and as it becomes more familiar, a couple of times a day. You don’t have to go through the entire list each time, but enough that you can do a quick ‘me scan’ and check in with yourself. This habit will change the way you see your free time and allow you to look forward to free time so you can work out some of those self-checks that have come up since you are now more self-aware.

Since it’s Christmas time, how does this relate to the holidays and being Single, yet again? Because Auntie Ann and Uncle Junior that got married at 19 fresh out of high school and started procreating your nine 1st cousins right away, never had to learn to be alone, so they more than likely won’t understand that you can be happy Single. They equate singleness to loneliness and can’t imagine that you would actually choose to be in your own company. This is where sensitivity and confidence come in. It’s easy to defend something that you are secure about. If you aren’t happy being alone, then be honest with yourself first and foremost, then fight to do what it takes to get there. If you need help, go to http://www.lavoniartryon.com to download your free abridged copy of the NOT Another Singles workbook (available early December 2020) which has tools and resources on how to learn to be comfortable alone.

Now that you are comfortable and content being alone or at the least more confident in how to get there, it’ll much easier to field the questions and comments about whether you are lonely, because you can actually answer honestly. Whether you choose to do so out loud or not, that’s up to you.  When the questions come about why you haven’t settled down, you can clearly and confidently state the advantages of your being alone and the things that you are accomplishing by yourself, for yourself. Unless you have a more than normally dysfunctional family; their goal and concern is typically for you to be happy. They know how awesome you are and believe that someone of the opposite sex should get the pleasure of your company. This should be perceived as a compliment to your character and how much of a good catch they know you to be. Take it as such.

When the infamous ‘You’re still single? Aren’t you lonely in that big ole house? When you gonna stop all that schooling and start having me some grandbabies?’, questions come – simply smile and reassure them that your being alone is a choice at this time and when you meet a person that makes you want to change that, they will be the first ones to know.

*We will be launching our Single, NOT Alone group focus calls in January – with an exclusive sneak peek coming soon! These are weekly calls that focus on 4 aspects of life as a Single – contentment, purpose and identity, dating and relationships, & change – which is call being different and unique, because you will be there. For more information – hit that subscribe button and enter your email or shoot an I’m interested in the SNA (Single NOT Alone) calls to lavonia@lavoniartryon.com to be added to the email list!*

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