Sometimes I wish God would miss me with this ministry. Like, miss me bruh, miss me. Maybe I’m being a bit too transparent, but I owe it to you and myself to say what many are too afraid or self-righteous to admit.
Ministry is hard. Having a calling on your life that is meant to not just touch the world, but drastically affect YOUR piece of the world is hard. And there are times that I really wish that God would let me sit this one out. Testimonies only come after tests, but I sure wish I could miss a few exams. Then I am reminded of Jeremiah. In chapter 20, verse 9, Jeremiah gives a beautiful imagery of what it’s like to not proclaim the Word the Lord has given him…
9 If I say, I will not make mention of [the Lord] or speak any more in His name, in my mind and heart it is as if there were a burning fire shut up in my bones. And I am weary of enduring and holding it in; I cannot [contain it any longer]
The backstory of this is a beautiful tragedy. Jeremiah was anointed a prophet and his prophecies usually involved death and gloom to the people, a call for repentance, or just a regular ole FYI that they were about to be given into slavery AGAIN. Jeremiah was tired. In his flesh, he was tired. He didn’t want to be the person declaring what ‘thus saith the Lord,’ because it usually wasn’t met with red carpets and golden robes. Even at the beginning of this chapter, he was beaten and jailed due to his messages. Jeremiah wanted a break, an opportunity to not have to go through all these trials in order to proclaim the Word of God. I would go so far as to say, Jeremiah just wanted to be ‘normal’, to not have this heavy burden, this Cross to bear. In his flesh, he was Jesus in the Garden. Crying out to the LORD, that this.THIS…was simply too much to bear, and pleading with God to please give him a way out. And even as Christ knew, as Jeremiah knew, and as the Lord has to, sometimes, embarrassingly, I admit— daily remind me – I know, that this is my Cross to bear. I would have it no other way, because through the pain, tears of blood, fire in my bones- I have tied my will to His and my heart’s cry is, ‘Nevertheless, not my will, but Yours O Lord, be done.’
Jeremiah couldn’t not answer the call on his life. When he tried to ignore it, to fit in, to just be normal, it burned inside him. Once God has taken hold of you, and you know without a doubt what your purpose is, it’s impossible to not walk in that calling. You might fight it Jacob, you might even run from it Jonah, but you can’t escape it. Philippians says it like this, “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.” 3:12. Christ has taken ahold of me, and my Spirit is stronger than my flesh, even when I don’t know it.
I am Jeremiah. I struggle with understanding why I am called to this ministry, this niche and I worry that my very calling is what is keeping me Single. For all the super saved people, please put down your concordance for a second and just hear me. Listen. I know that I have a calling on my life, that I have a platform that I haven’t even seen the tip of the iceberg of what it shall be. And I am humbled that God has chosen me to speak in such a transparent and relatable way to Singles, a group that is often forgotten in the world, and especially in the church. I was made for this and I am so excited about the audacious faith that it calls out of me each day. But my flesh, is frightened that as much as I desire marriage – that this is not a desire that God has placed in my heart, but one that the enemy has cruelly seduced me into believing, to keep me living in doubt. I’ve seen visions of my family, children both adopted and birthed from my womb and a husband that is both my physical and spiritual covering. Even this at times, seems like a ‘what if’ scenerio and not something that is actually obtainable. Maybe this is fear talking, maybe it’s doubt. No matter if it is real, or imagined- it still gives me pause.
But I am reminded of the Davidic psalms that always end in praise. When the enemy comes in like a flood, the Lord will lift up a standard against him. That standard is my unwavering trust in the Lord. It is the fire that is shut up in my belly, the sweetness of His scroll, the salvation of the Cross and the grace of the resurrection that reminds me, that He loves me. He gives good gifts to His children. I will not allow fear or doubt to quench the living water flowing from my belly. I’ve written the vision and I can still see it clearly, even through my doubts. Nevertheless, not my will, but Yours O Lord, be done. I am your servant. Have Your way.