Soooo… I’m divorced. For some, this may be news and to others it might simply be confirmation. First let me say… it’s not your business. But… it is my testimony, so I choose to share pieces that are important to my ministry and maybe help someone else in their journey not to repeat my same mistakes.
I will never contribute to the tearing down of another Black man publicly, no matter what his wrongs or mistakes, for the world does that enough. What I will say is that, we both made mistakes – as is our nature as a human. I always believe there is a choice in everything and that we are given free will from our Lord to utilize it.
I still don’t believe that I married wrong, or that I heard God wrong. I believe that my ex-husband had an opportunity to be Saul or David when faced with his sins, and he chose Saul. For those not as spiritualized, my ex had inappropriate relationships that didn’t involve me – on several occasions. Not bashing, just stating facts. So given the opportunity to repent and change, he decided to become more crafty with it. I could give you some deep high-dollared psychoanalysis and put these degrees to use about what deep-rooted pain or experiences would cause him to throw away the promises he made to me, but why? I spent the last 2 years literally driving myself crazy emotionally and making myself sick physically trying to figure out the who, what, when and why… and I. AM. DONE. WITH. IT. It’ll make sense in heaven, I guess. And if not, I won’t care up there anyway. *insert shoulder shrug and hair toss emoji*.
So I left. Could I have stayed and tried to work it out more? Maybe, but that wasn’t my choice. I’ve heard the stories about how ‘granddaddy was a rolling stone and he treated grandmama so wrong, but then he grew up and now she don’t want for nothing’. Or how ‘he was in these streets for years and I prayed and fasted and The Lord completely changed him and now he sings 3rd tenor in the mens assemble’. I hear you, sis and I respect that, but that ain’t my testimony. If I had heard stay from God or saw an actual remnant of remorse or change, maybe I would still be married. But, I didn’t, so I’m not.
I can say that I saw red flags before we got married, but who doesn’t? I can honestly say that I didn’t see THIS. I saw things that I marked as cultural differences, pride, etc. but nothing that concretely or gut level alerted me to what the last 2 years turned out to be.
I forgave and stayed when I thought it was just an indiscretion. I forgave and left when I realized it was a lifestyle.
The emotional pain that I went through getting over my marriage is hard to compare to the pain that it caused me to stay in my marriage. They are too different. One was based on the vision of the vows and covenant not being honored, being ignored, not knowing where my husband was for weeks on end and the hurt that all of that caused. But this pain, it’s more of a mourning of the life that I THOUGHT I would have, but it flows into a realization that God wastes nothing. So my sowing in tears, will produce reaping in joy. He wouldn’t have allowed this pain, if HE didn’t already have a plan on how He was going to employ it to propel me into another level of ministry that would bring Him glory and me good.
So I’m grateful. Grateful to be able to tell the story. Grateful to be at peace, when it has been so elusive for so long. Grateful that He trusted me enough for the pain, though He didn’t cause it, He repurposed it. Grateful for who I was to believe in love, who I am to walk away and choose me when the love was no longer there, and who I will be as I anticipate that God’s not finished with my earthly love story. I will love again. I will hope again and trust again and I refuse to make another man pay for wounds he didn’t inflict, but I’m trusting that God has already equipped him with a balm to soothe the aches, should they resurface.
This is my story and not even a third of it has actually been uttered outloud to one person in it’s entirety. But, God. Because of the righteous burden that I have been gifted, another book has already been started. I choose to live and tell the story of my Deliverance Through Divorce.
Journey with me…