God said Yes.
I said Yes.
He said No.
And I’m OK.
In 1 Samuel 10 Saul is anointed as King of Israel and oh what a joyous occasion this is. God has chosen him as King over the people and he is officially announced in chapter 11. Then a lot of stuff happens where Saul is disobedient, arrogant, prideful and breaks Priest laws (read Chapters 10-14 for all the juicy details) so we get to chapter 15 and God has had enough. Verse 10 states ‘I regret I have made him king for he has turned away from me and not carried out the Lord’s instructions’.
And this is where we pick up. The Sovereign God that we serve loves us so much that he has created a plan for our lives. But in that love, He still gives us the choice to choose His plan over our own. He will not force His will on us, even we He knows our own plans will get us rejected. He is there to pick up the pieces, IF we return to Him. If not, we are replaced.
Many of you have been following my #ivewaitedforyou story, the fairytale reality of the guy I was dating, how we met and the journey of our romance. One thing that I didn’t plan for, or that you could never seen as a twist, was if he said ‘no’. If he refused the plan, and instead chose something else. At this point, I thought about doubting and saying ‘maybe I heard the Lord wrong,’ ‘Maybe my will was stronger than God’s in my life and he wasn’t God’s choice, but my own.’ I could say all of that, but it wouldn’t be true.
I did hear God. Distinctly. But I didn’t factor in his choice. I never thought that he wouldn’t be on the same page as me, that he wouldn’t want the same things I did. But, if I were honest I would say that there were warning signs. Throughout 1 Samuel 10-14, there are several indicators that Saul is not on the right track, that something is off, but yet he keeps going down the path of destruction. Samuel actually rebukes Saul in Chapter 13, but doesn’t reject him. I had this moment a couple of months ago where there were indicators that he was no longer who I thought was ‘it’, but I was already invested. I had made a decision and I wanted to honor it, even though I could feel it slipping away. I had lost my peace, one of the most important elements in the pursuit of a relationship.
Then a friend asked me a question that shook me to my core: ‘Are you fighting so hard for this because it’s what you really want or are you fighting so hard because you want to avoid going through what you will have to, if you let it go?’ Was I staying because it was easier than letting go and having to deal with the questions, hurt, disappointment and feelings of rejection? At that moment, I knew the answer.
He was my imagined best. He was what I had been waiting for, but I realized that I had been waiting for the wrong thing. Have you ever been in a line and when you get all the way to the front, you are told that you have been in the wrong line all this time, and what you actually need can’t be found there? You waited, only to realize that what you were waiting for, wasn’t what you thought it was. He was what I wanted, but not what I needed. I couldn’t see that, so God exposed both his and my heart issues, to get to the conclusion that this wasn’t working.
In Mark Batterson’s book, The Circle Maker – he tells the story of a Sage named Honi that prayed for rain in a drought. He drew a circle and prayed with authority only born from a belly-deep relationship for rain to come. It started to drizzle and he refined his prayer to ask for rain that would meet the needs caused by the drought. It started hailing, and he refined his prayer even more to model the Lord’s grace and favor – a consistent, steady downpour of refreshing. He prayed, God met the need and he realized that God rewards specific prayers. #ivewaitedforyou needed to be refined. I wasn’t specific enough so I got an answer but it turned out to not be what I needed. I have now sifted my request and it is now #iveprayedforyou. I spent time waiting in the wrong line, only to realize it was no longer what I needed. The one that comes, will be an answered prayer not just the end of the line.
It’s hard to accept a no, when I first heard a yes. Today, I choose to trust Christ and follow peace. I know what I heard and what I wanted, but I also know that there is no longer peace there. The strength is in me now realizing that my needs weren’t being met, and walking away. I realize that if it started this way, it wouldn’t get better, I would just get more tolerant. This would become my normal. But I am no longer that girl. I fought too hard to get out of that mentality and NO ONE will ever take me back there. It was time to choose me. So I chose to walk away, tears streaming but shoulders lifted. You can’t fight if the person won’t even get in the ring. And there is no point fighting, if you no longer desire the win.
The hope is in Chapter 16. Samuel is mourning over Saul and God gut-punches him. “Why are you crying over someone I have rejected? Get up, wash your face – pop your curls and your lip gloss, and be on your way. The King that will fight for you and not with you, the Priest that has been praying for you, not just waiting on you, the Kinsman Redeemer that is waiting to restore your heart – is being prepared for you.” (my interpretation of God’s oration).
God thank you. I want what you have for me. I trust your promise. I’ll get through the pain. I’ll survive the struggle of starting over. And I will love. Stronger. Better. Right.
One Day My Prince Will Come. And I will be ready…