I not so long ago* met this guy, let’s call him Mr. R. As you know, I am highly comfortable with being Single, as noted by the capital ‘S’. 🙂 I don’t think of it a grave sentence, but as a great opportunity to honor God with my whole life and no distractions of the world. I still desire marriage, but it is no longer on the throne of my heart, it is a healthy ache of longing for the future while being completely settled and satisfied in my present.
But I met this guy. And I was not looking. AT.ALL.. He began to show interest and I didn’t run. He was nice and sincere and had this sweet innocence in his pursuit that I had long ago forgotten existed. We talked and laughed and talked. I’m talking middle-school-5-hour-no-you-hang-up-first talked. We kept saying let’s focus on the friendship, but in our heads we knew that what we were feeling was taking wings. We made plans to see each other, we went on outings, we made every effort to let the other know that our intentions were to see where God was taking this.
Then it happened. No one knows what the ‘it’ is, but everyone has experienced it. The shift. The slight change in pull that makes it a bit easier to not call today, to not make plans for the weekend, when you usually had standing dates, to go an entire day and not realize that you haven’t talked to the person, although just a short time ago, you couldn’t go 10 minutes without thinking about this same person. Usually when this shift happens, only one person feels it-the other one feels the aftermath. It’s like you were analyzing the earthquake reading, but I was the one that felt the ground move from under me.
Such was this. There wasn’t a magical thing or an argument or something that stood out as a cause, it simply happened. Mr. R. was no longer the guy that I was starting to make an intentional decision to fall for, and what made it worse, he didn’t realize it. It came out as ‘I’ve been busy with work…etc, but I’m still interested’. This blog isn’t about going into the details or even all of the things that could of or should of happened, it’s simply to acknowledge that we are all trying to figure this thing called ‘love’ out. If accepting it from Christ, the lover of our souls is difficult at best, then we are sure to blunder it here with mere mortals.
It wasn’t Mr. R.’s fault. It wasn’t my fault. It just wasn’t meant to be, maybe not now, maybe not ever-only God knows. But as of now, I had to make the hard decision to let go of the almost. I could have let it drag out, and several years ago, I would have. I would have accepted his 4 day silences, and still anticipate the empty ‘hey how are you’ texts as if we hadn’t talked in a week or seen each other in 3. But I deserve more and so does he. I deserve the guy that won’t see me as a check of on his to-do list, but that will make sure that everyday I stay at the top. The guy that makes every effort to let me know how important I am to him, not make excuses as to how he is still figuring it out. I’m completely ok with Mr. R. figuring out what he wants, he just has to be completely ok with the possibility that when he figures it out, I won’t be waiting. That’s the risk we take. When we begin to pursue a relationship before we are sure we actually want that relationship, we will have to make a choice. Stay and figure it out together or walk away and not deal with the emotions of the unknown. I wanted the first, but he refused to do the latter.
He didn’t want me, but he wasn’t ready to let me go. But that wasn’t his choice. At this point in my life, I will never give anyone else that power. You don’t get to ‘keep the door’ open, while you stand in it deciding whether you want to come in. As grandma says, you are letting out my good air and as my old friend used to say ‘you blocking someone else’s blessing with your indecision.’ So as much as I at one time wanted to stay, I chose to walk away and free myself.
This is not written to bash Mr. R., because he is a great, amazing guy. He’s just not sure if he’s my guy. But he doesn’t get the option to keep me around as he figures it out. This is written to encourage those ladies, and gents, to take back your power. You are a priority and you deserve to be treated as one. If they aren’t ready for that, you be ready to walk away. You have too much purpose and destiny to wait in limbo as a person decides if they want to share it. You have a choice too, don’t give that up.
As Brandy said, Almost Doesn’t Count. I used to agree, but I now think it does. It counts that you opened yourself up, it counts that you tried, it counts that you were ready to love even though you knew that it could end in heartbreak. Most of all, it counts that once you realized that you weren’t getting what you deserved…you had the power to walk away and not settle for less than your Daddy has said you deserve.
Don’t regret it. Don’t wish you hadn’t met your Mr. or MISS R. That would cheapen it. It was real. You felt something, you opened yourself up, and it hurts to close the door. Take the time needed to heal. Don’t gloss it over with hard words or hurtful accusations of the other person. Simply acknowledged that you tried and it didn’t work. Cry if you need to. Scream if you want to. Get you a pint of ice cream, chocolate and your favorite chick flick and give yourself a day. A day to mourn what could have been, but never was. Then get up. Fill your horn with oil (your lungs with praise) and move on to what God has waiting for you. He never intended for you to camp here, there was a lesson meant to learn-learn it and keep going.
My lesson was that I’m ready for love. I am ready to receive what I deserve and strong enough to walk away when I don’t get it. I recognize the favor God has placed in my life and I will not share it with a man that isn’t my husband. I’ve realized that I’m no longer that insecure girl that would stain a situationship, instead of freeing myself for ‘the relationship’. I was pursued and it felt good, really good. But once the pursuit ebbed, I didn’t pick it up myself. So I’m proud of the lesson, and I don’t regret it. You shouldn’t either.
I believe every relationship has purpose, some you just have to dig through the pain, hurt and broken expectations to find it.
*not so long= between 1 month and 3 years
**disclaimer: please don’t cheapen the testimony by being worried about the timeline