Memory verse: When my mother and father forsake me then the Lord shall take me up Psalm 27:10
Task: Briefly describe the relationship with your father and how you believe it has affected your romantic relationships, as far as you know. If your father is in your life in any way call, text, email or tweet him just to tell him you care.
Daddy’s lil girl. Every young lady longs to be one, but the reality of over 50% of African American children being born out of wedlock and raised by a single mother, or even the grandparents- this is a far-fetched dream for many of us. I was the dreamer. For over half of my life, my father was a stranger to me, for the first half I knew his name and face, but not much else. You see at the ripe, impressionable age of 15 my father told me never to call him again, then changed the number and moved to Virginia just in case I didn’t get the message. With the recent passing of my father, God showed me that I was still holding on to some areas that I never knew I had. Because I now realize how it affected every relationship I was ever in, and how it would have affected my next relationship until I had dealt with it, I think it’s important to share within this challenge. There may be a man or woman dealing with Daddy issues that needs to hear from someone how to gain the courage to face and fix it.
Man or woman, no matter how much we may try to downplay or minimize the role, we all need to feel the love of a father. This is not meant to slight the love of a mother because her love is incomparable, but I believe that the father’s role in our lives may in some ways have a more direct impact on how we grow up to have other relationships.
A father is the first person that chooses you in your life. There is never a doubt of the maternity of a baby because a mother physically carries it—it can’t be denied because she gave birth. But the father has the unique choice to acknowledge that the child is his, verbally and by action, before a test is given. I believe this is what gives the dynamics of the relationship with the father a different perspective. Whether you have ever thought of it this way or not, if your father is in your life, was in your life, or has ever acknowledged you without proof, then this is the first earthly example you have of a man choosing you because he wanted you, not because he couldn’t deny you.
This is vital in the foundation of how you view relationships, whether you are male or female. As a female, a standard (even if you are unaware) has been set for the way you will relate with men and how they should treat you. As a male, it plants the seed of responsibility and leadership in your female relationships. Because you chose her, you love and accept her out of free will, not obligation.
So what happens if you didn’t have an earthly father to choose you? I believe it manifests in different ways in different people, but I wholeheartedly believe that it will manifest somehow. In a man, maybe it rises up when they find it a bit easier to deny their own child or how they negatively treat the women in their lives. On the other hand, they may choose to use it as an example of what not to do. He may become the protector of his mother, treating every woman the way she should be treated because he refuses to be like his father. For a woman, it may subconsciously affect her trust in men or cause her to be bitter towards men without realizing the cause. She may seek to find the acknowledgement and acceptance she never received from her father, in any man she can find to fill the void.
Up until recently, I would tell people that I never had a father in my life. But that’s a lie. I did have a father until about the age of 15. He wasn’t much in the way that I now know what fatherhood is, but he was mine. Because I was his only daughter, I thought that made me special, and for a while I believed without a doubt that I was. So the devastation was all the more real when the one man that was supposed to love and cherish and protect me, the only man that couldn’t have a hidden agenda in loving me because his own blood ran through my veins, told me he didn’t want me anymore.
Because of his rejection, I never had a man that made sure any other man who sought my affections was worthy of my attention. I didn’t know there should be a standard. I didn’t know that I shouldn’t and didn’t have to waste time kissing all these frogs, because one day my prince would come. How can someone learn unless there is someone willing to teach. What I didn’t know DID hurt me. The love and affection I should have gotten from my daddy, I desperately sought in men. And when they couldn’t live up to that role or fulfill the hole I had, I would move on to the next one. I didn’t understand why they couldn’t be what I needed them to be, so once I drained them, I would move on to my next victim, I mean relationship.
It was and still is a long process, but God is healing my wound, because I need to be whole for my purpose. He can’t allow that rejection to interfere with His Son’s acceptance. I’ve completely forgiven my father, because I’ve been completely forgiven by My Father. If you have Daddy issues, I encourage you to seek to resolve them and not give them the power of controlling any more relationships in your future.
I now know a Father’s love.